BACKSTORY

HOME-LIFE: The Detriments of Dysfunction?

Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF (a.k.a. Matthew D. Blanchard), born September 1979 in Reykjavik, Iceland to a dysfunctional military family that moved state-side by 1985 only after spending the boy's early years abroad, grew up with four pairs of parents: divorced and remarried (two times fold), who themselves all together battled myriad demons of severe psychological frailty, such as intermittently suicidal dysthymia and bipolar disorder, coupled with chronic alcoholism, physical/emotional aggression and spousal abuse.

Life as a teenager was especially difficult for this young man, since his home life proved time and time again to be far too chaotically cruel and unloving to foster any sense of positive attention or esteem. At this post-adolescent, pubescent, but not-quite-yet adult age, the challenging "hard knocks" of his otherwise mundane, even "cookie-cutter" life proved ever the more so cumbersome for this Matthew, as he found himself able only barely to mismanage and nearly never subdue the disgraceful demons of his own social ineptitude and awkwardness amongst peers.

Sadly, "Lil' Mattie B." suffered as a closeted gay/queer boy (how tragic?!), who did not ever dare desire to admit the truth. But, truth be told: "Lil' Mattie B." most especially did not want or wish for the countless crowds of cruel teenage hatemongers to constantly smear his face with shameful disgust toward the person he truly was, before he could in fact find the will and wherewithal within himself to choose and/or decide such a thing for himself alone, at once, at last and for good!

Nonetheless, his peers would not relent in shaming this unsure and uncertain little specimen of a man with their raucously unrestrained ridicule and hateful bullying. Matthew continued his struggles to over-achieve, excel beyond and escape the blasphemous bigotry of most "God-Fearing, Gay-Hating Homophobes." Yet much to his discouragement and dismay, the gay-baiting and hating lasted even all the way through 'til college, where both the "out-and-proud" and the "clamorously closeted" queer communities on campus proved themselves to be the foremost aggressively judgmental and rejecting of all peer groups, toward this quite crookedly ashamed and uncertain morsel of a young gay/queer man.

SOLACE IN SCHOOLING: Or, So He Thought!

To escape the turmoil of home-life, Matthew invested all of his energy, attention and accomplishment into his schooling, finding solace and appreciation in the approval of his surrogate parents: teachers, who sympathetically encouraged the young man's contributions of academic excellence and extracurricular achievement.

Matthew epitomized the over-achiever as a student yet faced unfathomably difficult odds at home, which only magnified the worth and wealth of his accomplishments. Thanks to four years of secondary education working toward success through academic rigor and excellence, the young man was accepted as a student of The College of William & Mary (Williamsburg, VA 1997-2002), which at his start in higher education was ranked "Number One Small Public University in the Nation" by U.S. News & World Report.

During college, Matthew pursued a double-major in French and Theater. As a somewhat better-than-average student of the highest caliber, he graduated cum laude (i.e., "with honors"), as a member of three academic honor societies, including Pi Delta Phi: The National French Honor Society. He was also heavily involved in the campus performance arts scene, as an actor/dancer, director, designer, production assistant and technician with the William & Mary Theater (WMT) Association.

His major accomplishments as an actor were the eight William & Mary Theater "Main Stage" and "Second Season" productions in which he played lead and/or ensemble roles. As a member of WMT, Matthew ignited his own passions for directing, dramaturgy and design. Major accomplishments in those areas of creative expression and study were his involvements in the overall visionary leadership of his original "Directors' Workshop" production of Ionesco's The Lesson and of his "Second Season/Senior Directorial" production of Ionesco's The Chairs, for which he began to write a dissertation for graduation, "with high honors."

Blessed by the goodwill and fortune of a modest trust fund his late grand-mother had written for him into her last will and testament, this impassioned young theater erudite was able to study French Language, Literature, Culture and Performance Arts abroad, at L'Université de Paris Ouest | Nanterre / La Défense (c. 1999-2001). As a matter of fact, Matthew remains hellbent on believing that the absolute most shining, awesome, successful and serene best years of his young adult life were spent studying in Paris, France.

As a foreign student directly enrolled into the National French University System, Matthew was able to study art history and painting in the Musée du Louvre, as well as contemporary corporeal theater expression (based heavily on Le Mime d'Étienne Decroux) with a master teacher of L'École Jacques Lecoq, at L'Atelier de Belleville. Matthew was also deeply honored to be cast and to perform in four theatrical productions and two student-films, through Le Théâtre Rolande-Barthès, Le Théâtre du Soleil, L'Association de Recherche des Traditions de l'Acteur, Cie. Yapaïdée and the National Conservatories of Theater and Film. During his sojourn of study in France, Matthew was ultimately most blessed with the freedom to discover and define his own sexual identity, as well as to fall in love for the first and only time, during his young adult life.

SERO-CONVERSION: Then, Sojourn of Study Abroad?

Matthew's academic career – and, in fact, his entire life! – was interrupted abruptly, during his final year as a student of The College of William & Mary, when he was diagnosed HIV-positive. The shock and surprise of his sero-conversion, coupled with the intense psychological trauma which immediately ensued, was quick to cause great turmoil and suffering in Matthew's life.

In an attempt to escape the "drama of such trauma," Matthew departed from university two months prior to his graduation day, without ever having a chance to walk in cap and gown, through the Wren Building, with fellow students of the William & Mary Graduating Class of 2002. Instead, he chose to make a mad-dash courageous move toward the relative stability, acceptance and good health that Northern California was to have offered.

Again, touched by inconceivable blessings, Matthew was sent to enhance his Italian Language skills through the professional study of Graphic Design and Visual Communication, as a student officially enrolled in a temporary full-term elective-specialty program of study at the leading Italian-American language learning and visual arts professional school, in Florence, Italy (c, 2002-2003). This second major sojourn of study abroad for Matthew was made possible thanks only to the selfless generosity and patronage of a "dot.com multimillionaire family," consisting of beautifully well-intentioned and giving philanthropists.

In recognition of the profound respect, admiration and gratitude he held toward his most generous yet unlikely of benefactors, Matthew continued his academic career toward great achievements as a foreign visitor to Florence, where he earned a Professional Certificate of Intermediate/Advanced Proficiency in each of his major fields of study. Matthew completed that year of study abroad in his familiar style of scholastic success through superior excellence in learning. In fact, it was with utmost honor, appreciation, esteem and privilege, that Matthew D. Blanchard accepted the tremendous distinction of being named "Head of Class 2003," by the faculty, staff and students of Scuola Lorenzo de'Medici.

BLINDLY BLEEDING RED: Flimsily Footing Forward?

Matthew's return stateside was quite a difficult experience, after Italy. Ever since having entirely abandoned his life on the East Coast, this piteously miserable young gay man was slotted to arrive to the San Francisco Bay Area, where he knew few remotely serious friends and had no legitimate ties, academically or professionally. Nevertheless, Matthew came to "The Fog City," with just under $200 USD cash in his pocket and a heap of luggage dragged behind him.

During a necessary three-night stay of misguided and begrudged homelessness, Matthew set up camp through daylight hours and slept by night, in the enormously stark emptiness of the mostly vacant inbound terminals of San Francisco International Airport. All the long while, his slight frame of stature was overwhelmed by the constantly encumbering size and weight of his four full-size suitcases and carry-on, his laptop computer, his fully manual 35mm SLR camera and mammoth graphic design portfolio, all of which were loaded up onto and around his shoulders, in both his arms and hands, and even bent over and trailing from the shamefully bone-thin and frail hunch of his "twink-weak" gay boy back.

Once he had found and familiarized himself with an archaic and exorbitantly expensive Internet Access Portal at the airport, Matthew reluctantly emptied his pockets of the last few measly dollars and cents that remained, in order to enlist the use of some "old-school" search engines and "men-for-men" gay social networking sites in his direly desperate and execrable mission to move beyond his homeless encampment at the airport and deep into that "Sweet City, So-Well-Known to Love and Be Loved by The Gays!!"

It was without a single penny to his name but with all his earthly possessions piled high upon his shoulders, that this newly pseudo-named "Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF" set forth to couch-hop from one anonymous gay man's abode to another. Such was the game this queer kid would play, at least until he was able to link up with Bay Area Young Positives, Inc.: a small but well-meaning nonprofit HIV/AIDS positive youth prevention and care advocacy organization, as well as with another much larger citizen sector agency: Larkin Street Youth Services, Inc., whose mission served to empower at-risk and disadvantaged homeless, runaway or formerly foster youth to successfully transition off the streets and toward long-term, sustained independence, throughout their remaining adult lives.

SCABBING OVER: Surefire Steps to Survive?

Under the auspices of the social support, professional development, health/wellness promotion and general welfare protection services offered through these two distinct yet complimentary youth advocacy organizations, QHereKidSF was eventually awarded a city-funded rental subsidy linked to a Larkin Street Youth Services, Inc. permanent housing project for transition-aged youth.

After a short period of transition, Matthew also earned his right to access those comprehensive federal and state public health insurance benefits that would not only cover the entire cost of all his primary and specialized medical care and treatment, but that would also provide a very modest amount of supplemental income that was meant to ensure his survival.

Furthermore, through linkages primarily provided to him by the Member Services Staff of Bay Area Young Positives, Inc., Matthew was able, almost immediately upon his arrival to the City, to gain access to the Nation's premier network of HIV/AIDS Prevention and Care Service Organizations, including those San Francisco-based agencies that continue to be recognized worldwide for the many original "gold-standard" programs of psycho-social mental health care and community support advocacy services that they were first to develop and that they successfully continue to grow, enhance, and evolve, to this day.

GLIMPSING AT CRAZY: Thru Rose-Colored Glasses?

Matthew's experience living in San Francisco cannot be viewed "thru rose-colored glasses," for lack of a better cliche! The circumstances of his purportedly health-enhancing independent living situation have been warped and wounded by severe poverty and psychological suffering, as well as traumatic illness and injury.

In 2004, after excelling as an HIV/AIDS Positive Youth Advocate with the San Francisco Department of Public Health HIV Prevention Planning Council and as an amateur actor with a small, but well-respected and renowned alternative performance arts organization: Intersection for the Arts, he was struck down by a Disabling AIDS diagnosis, brought on by PCP pneumonia and nine-month "schizo-delusional messianic" psychosis.

In 2006, after the pneumonia and psychosis were cured and after a subsequent year of severe depression and joblessness, QHereKidSF was hired as Administrative Coordinator for Folsom Street Events®, a charitable fundraising and events planning nonprofit that produces the infamous Up Your Alley® Street Fair, Magnitude® Dance Party and Folsom Street Fair® (amongst a whole slew of newer events, as well). Unfortunately, his career with FSE lasted only the duration of exactly one year. The President of the FSE Board of Directors was kind enough to commemorate Matthew's one year anniversary with the organization by terminating his employment on that same exact date.

NEAR-DEATH: The Tragedy of Trauma, Disfigured?

Another year of depression and illness ensued. Matthew's physical health deteriorated so much so that by the end of September 2007, he had once again acquired PCP pneumonia and passed out unconscious in his own bed, for what his doctors now presume must have been between 10 to 12 days. During this period of veritable coma, QHereKidSF acquired a severely necrotizing bacterial infection of the face, which ate away at the skin and bone of much of his mouth and nose.

On October 7, 2007, QHereKidSF was found by the San Francisco Fire Department, unconscious and half-dead, alone in his own apartment, with his face blackened by necrosis and with his teeth falling out. The Fire Department rushed him to the hospital, where he was to stay for eight consecutive months, the first six-to-eight weeks of which he remained in an induced coma.
During this month and a half of forced sedation while suffering from a debilitating viral and bacterial infection both, QHereKidSF was forced on kidney dialysis and into an operation. This "emergency debridement surgery" turned out in fact to be an extremely invasive procedure in which highly-specialized surgeons excised and amputated all the necrotic flesh and bone of the poor boy's face, in a last-ditch effort to cure his body of the imminently deadly infection. Essentially, the greater portion of Matthew's mouth and nose were surgically removed. When he awoke from the coma on November 14, 2007, he was given a mirror by his doctors.

With oddly strained but silent sadness curbed only by what must have been a most visceral response of confounded yet intrigued curiosity, QHereKidSF slowly squared his gaze in the mirror, responding only with a look of gently inquisitive scrutiny, as his beautifully innocent and wide-open eyes were set transfixed upon the ghastly image of a massive, abysmal crater staring back at him, gorged deep into a hollow at the middle his face.

NEVER A CHANCE: To Smile Again, Once More?

All that his doctors could (or would ever?) ethically agree to pass on to the gruesome young monster of a man laying before them were nothing but ineffectual reassurances meant hopefully to conjure faith in dreaming that, with continuing advances in the modern medical practice of reconstruction surgery, Matthew's face could by some slim chance be restored. It wasn't until January 30, 2008 that QHereKidSF was sent to San Francisco General Hospital for a two week period of acute surgical preparations and procedures, as well as intensive post-operative rehabilitation care.

During this short hiccup along the span of what is bound to be an inexorably challenging lifetime for this young man, Matthew's expert surgical team performed on him the first of what could very well eventually be upwards of twenty craniofacial and/or maxillofacial reconstructions. These reconstructions will continue well into the future, until a point when Matthew, himself alone – as well as together, with his surgeons! – concludes that enough work has been done to return his face as close to "normal" as currently available medical technology deems possible.

Today, Matthew struggles to adjust to living with disfigurement, by continuing to wear surgical masks while in public, in order to hide his gruesome, unsightly visage from curious, but insensitive passers-by. His doctors have only been willing to console him with stoic, sterile, surgical remarks like, "You will never look normal again, but you'll most likely psychologically adjust." When Matthew asked his medical team if he'd ever be able to smile again, the attending surgeon responded with a calm, expressionless insensitivity and silence, before answering, "You will be able to express happiness;" as if that were any real conciliation!!

Currently, this now-more-than-ever nearly present period of ungodly epic challenge may perchance be marked, for Matthew, as merely a fleeting speck of chaos along the much greater grandeur and scope of what is hoped to be his quite long-lived, well-loved and fulfilling lifetime. However, the truth of the matter still yet be this: The collected memoirs of this infamously "ferocious, fagged-out funambule of the Fog City Freak Show" are bound to see plenty of pages filled by those oh-so-terribly difficult and uncertain stories of the pain, anguish and solitude that may be promised to lay ahead.

Nevertheless, this courageously crazed "Gift of God" – newly named herein after Fellini's "IL MATTO," as Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF – will play best the part of a sublimely surefooted, steadfast, and closer-to-heavenly high-wire hopeful hero, as he commits to many bountiful triumphs in his transcendent struggle to surpass hubris, while always tempering the painful torture of trauma, transformation and change with the plain and simply willing recognition of his utmost sincere and truly grateful appreciation for the one genuinely divine, god-given blessing that is in fact uniquely his alone.

CLOSER-TO-HEAVENLY: Still Skyward Staring!

With the "Gift of Life: A Still Surviving Second Chance to Live Again!!," Matthew strives to save, sustain, regain, and restore for himself an infinitely limitless existence of even greater health, wisdom, bliss and beauty than he had ever known before. In grateful appreciation of this divine blessing that is uniquely all his own, Matthew no longer commits his gaze to reflections of himself alone. This devastatingly gorgeous, god-sent and god-saved, heroic survivor dares not waste the immeasurable bliss and wisdom of his spirit, pining over notions of just how so slightly imperfect he still perhaps might be, at present.

Instead, he aims his most positively self-loving and life-affirming thoughts well past all remembrance of his once dubiously doomsday devastation, destruction and demise. Now, Matthew gladly gazes "onward and upward," toward the most heavenly highest of heights, wherein death, disfigurement and disease no more have meaning.

Emboldened by the miraculous rebirth and reshaping of his own life through second-chance survival, Matthew now searches high up above the cosmos, toward an immaculate space well-beyond perfection, where beauty no longer exists as an absolute measure of the worth, value or valor of all mankind! He even dares to gaze "onward & upward" toward ever more greater heights – The Almighty Heights of Beauty Internal! Beauty Eternal!! There, where the promise of sanctum still stands solely reserved for our dreaming.

Dare we ever should stand still to stare heavenly-high skyward, indeed? During that one faithful visionary moment, may we perchance find peace together in dreaming! And, through our most hopeful and good-willed dreaming, may we perchance discover the endless bliss and serenity of a truly sacred space – beyond survival! – wherein, at last and forever, there remains still more life for us left to live...!!

BEYOND SURVIVAL: More Life's Still Left to Live...!!

This "Quazi-MATTO | @QHereKidSF" is assuredly one God-blessed, Heaven-sent survivor! As "Gift From God," Matthew D. Blanchard understands his entirely Earth-bound self to have been most propitiously saved by the unfathomably submlime blessing & beatitude so generously gifted to him, as unfettered forgiveness, grace, and redemption, by his utterly all-loving, beloved, and eminently divine "Greater Power." 

His perfectly imperfect human frailty, however, may be best measured by the perniciously haunting subsistence of fear, still hidden deep within his meekly warped, wounded, yet unwaveringly hopeful soul: the incapacitating terror of knowing that despite the treasure of his still living, breathing, beating heart and fitfully lucid mind, he may nevertheless tragically succumb to what such astoundingly traumatic (albeit, typically mundane) illness, injury, insanity, and injustice that has forever framed – in indelible sufferene and devastating guilt! – the ferociously unfortunate, loaming fate of what may promise to be likely long-remembered as little more than the corrosively unaccomplished failure, pugnaciously wasted destiny, and demise of his unequivocally meaningless and unfortunate life.

Although,... ALAS! Are we here left that no more to wonder: What right in life might we ever merit, deserve, or eitherwise afford – as little more than perfectly imperfect creatures born to earth from greater places, to greater ends, and of almighty greatest means! – to deny ourselves all what worldly hope still may sustain our immeasurably unabashed confidence, surety, belief, and faith in the forever possible perfection of our well-worthy earthly existence and heavenly rewarding, forever future-forward end.

Who are we truly to deny ourselves the any trifling chance to fight for lives of greatest worth and exquisite beauty, through our tirelessly devout commitment to fulfilling that which shall ostensibly be remembered ad infinitum, as one heavenly heroic and indomitably hopeful human story of our salvation, through enduring acts of charity, compassion, and sacrifice.

Doubt not this truth: Matthew is still human!! He still finds hope and bliss in dreaming; although, most of his dreaming has taken on somewhat of a disquieting tone and timbre, ever since he first was able to process consciously the traumatic implications of his disfigurement. Nonetheless, Matthew assuredly looks forward, toward a future full of hope and bliss, redemption and healing!! Beyond survival lays true life and living, yet only through the goodwill of great deeds and best intentions.

That is the story of QHereKidSF (a.k.a. Matthew D. Blanchard) and his uniquely conjured up and curiously communicated "TRY!UMPH!? Trauma-typical." Once all is said and done, Matthew is committed to seeing his life through until its magnificently glorified, dramatic end: an end defined and measured by the nobility of his spirit, as well as by the meaningfully sincere depths of the wisdom, knowledge, generosity, and goodwill that he has contributed to the World!

In order to gain a more intimate understanding of the ways in which this young man's mind works, as well as an appreciation of his intellect, his spirit and of the events and experiences in his life that best define his social, cultural, political (and yes, even spiritual!) persuasions, you are encouraged to explore this curiously loquacious yet candid weblog, which he describes as follows:

"TRY!UMPH!? Trauma-typical & Tri-Life Transmutations of 'Quazi-MATTO Crystal-Eyes Mary Anti-TWAT.net' (a.k.a. @QHereKidSF)" : Man masked madly in mind's eyed misgivings. The Ubiquity of UGLY : Uncannily Ulterior to BEAUTY Beguiled, BeGODS!! Follow me for flagrantly unfettered, frenetic 'Fog City Faggotry' : garrulously salacious, in-your-face sycophantic sophistry – You'll see!! A Boisterously Babbling Behemoth of a Blog!

Peace out! Bliss & Blessings to You All...
Cheers! Ciao & Namasté: I bow to the gods within you...

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San Francisco, CA USA