I began the process of expressing my thoughts on this hefty, weighty word as I would have started any writing practice in my journal: very off the cusp & spontaneously. My initial impulse was positive: to somehow relate my own personal gratitude directly to God's GRACE, as it is within the scope and grandeur of his love that I survive. Above all, I am grateful to be alive!! And, I only have The Lord My God to thank for that.
But somehow, the writing exercise turned into a rather pompous expression of my arrogance and self-importance as such relates to my historically weak and unstable relationship with and impression of my parents (all four of them, in fact!).
In the original opening to my essay on gratitude, which is presented in the closing of this particular post, I bereaved and berated my parents & guardians for what I presumed to be their unjustifiably "human imperfections and sin," while arguing that I was & still am, in fact, closer to God "in virtue & in practice," because of all the torment and admonishments I fell victim to as a closeted queer youth.
This was surely the wrong way to approach this exercise of contemplation, introspection and self-expression. It was indeed oxymoronic and largely hypocritical for me to begin to reveal my thoughts on "GRATITUDE" by holding in and expressing outward such stolid, stubborn, senseless resentment toward those three or four people who raised me. I'm a decent person; although, I have experienced immense suffering. But still, my parents must have done as best they could, because I turned out pretty well; I think.
So, that said... Allow me to present to my readers the text on GRATITUDE that I wrote for and presented to the clients & staff at FERGUSON PLACE of Baker Places, Inc. The "YOU" that I mention repeatedly in this essay refers to all the members of my Recovery Community: past, present & future. May they all know how grateful I am for their support, acceptance and understanding!! Read on...
As an young, impressionable adolescent or from very early on in my childhood even, I would often cry myself to sleep in anger & resentment, beseeching the Lord my God to save me from my suffering or simply screaming, "SCREW YOU!" when all I heard from him was silence.The morning after I read this essay to the residents of FERGUSON PLACE at our Client Council Meeting, I offered to escort an impassioned, progressive, politico-blogger (a recovering addict & one of my 4 roommates!) to a treatment appointment, and while we were on the bus headed to the same agency for two different reasons, he remarked on his impressions of my writing style.
As an adult, more conscious & aware of my myriad of divine virtues & blessings, I often find myself thanking God for all the goodness... the greatness, that he has brought into my life, even despite the immense tragedies I have lived through as a gay, HIV/AIDS+, drug dependent and miserably isolated twenty-something in San Francisco.
Now, at my first glimpse of growth, change, progress, blessings & beatitude, I immediately express my gratitute to the the Lord God through prayer & meditation. Today, I define my gratitude in practice, prayer & study under my spiritual guide in Faith: my chaplain—my priest—who happens to be wise enough and so secure in his identity & in his human nature that he graciously invites challenges & arguments contrary to the teachings he preaches in homily. We dialogue on Faith, and debate is welcome, but together, in union, we praise God; we thank God, and we worship God.
I am grateful for his presence and for the presence of so many other "unintended teachers" in my life, from whom I learn more about myself, about my addiction, and about my path toward Salvation, Enlightenment and toward the fulfillment of my true potential every waking day.
The unintended, unsuspecting teachers in my life are numerous; in fact, they are so numerous that I could never possibly name them all at once. Some are friends. Some are family. Some are providers. Some are in this room. And, some even are total strangers. They...NO! YOU. You all teach me, often through no fault or intention of your own, how NOT to live and how BEST to live.
That is to say... In the best of circumstances or by the random chance of luck, some anonymous but mightily virtuous soul will, in simple acts of «politesse,» righteousness, concern, sympathy, compassion or even in strong solemn silent stillness when faced with his own great trepidation or tribulation—poised solid, upright in unrelenting tenacity & perseverance, demonstrate to me how to live & act like him: in virtue, in «noblesse d'esprit,» in the GRACE of GOD...
I am grateful to be part of the Recovery Community, for it is within the reach of its embrace that I have found strangers who've become teachers, who've become friends or even as close as family. I am grateful to have such a patient, caring, empathetic sponsor! I am grateful to have each of you, the clients & staff of FERGUSON PLACE, in my life for all your amazing virtues and for having accepted me so lovingly and without question or hesitation.
It is as part of this community that I am constantly able & welcome (if not entirely expected!) to gain new perspectives on my life and on my addiction, on my strengths & potential, and on my deficits, as well. Thanks to these new relationships which I have cultivated in the last 65 days (or even since my illness & injury in 2007), I have been able to discover my many virtues. Or, should I say, "RE-DISCOVER...?"'
Thanks to all of you, I have been able to believe in myself again, and to trust in myself and in others anew. Thank you a thousand times; thank you!!
Once upon a time, a quarter-life ago, I relied on my faith in God and on my faith in God's faith in & love for me, to strengthen and sustain my own faith in myself. Today, I can't say that I haven't asked the difficult questions: the quandaries & conundrums, the "whys & wherefores" of my immense suffering—"How could God have let this happen to me?" OR "What did I do to deserve this misery & misfortune?"
But today, I can say that I am grateful not to have had these questions answered. Not knowing, not constantly demanding a rational reason for all things wrong in my life and wrong in the world, mitigates my doubt in a higher power and reinforces my faith—FULL CIRCLE! For that, I am grateful...
First, he asked what I studied at university, so I told him: French Literature & Theatre Arts. And he just chuckled and said, "Yeah, I figured you were into something like that. You're writing style is incredible; it's almost like poetic prose." I synopsize some, but you get the gist, right?
He was paying me a compliment, so I thanked him and continued to listen to him rant vivaciously about all the bullshit comments he gets from whacked-out Republicans on his blog postings, amongst others. I don't use his exact words here, so no quotation marks; but, you catch the drift, right? HEHEHE. He's a good guy. His verve and passion is refreshing, and I appreciated his feedback. What he had to say was nice to hear. YET....
Even after being complimented in person, directly, on my writing style and on what I had to say, I feel obliged to demonstrate the prevalent, preposterous weaknesses of my written essays by presenting now the original introduction to my thoughts on GRATITUDE, which I previously mentioned at the start of this post. Here's a sample of my serious preoccupation with self-aggrandizement... Take it for what it's worth: a load of bologna!! Here goes...
As a young, impressionable adolescent or from very early on in my childhood even, I was always ever so intrigued & impassioned by the traditions of my Faith. Even when i was forced to battle the demons & devastation of my own deviant sexuality that seemed forced upon me by my heartless, insensitive peers, I found solace in the timeless practices of my religion: prayer, confession, genuflection, the Sign Of The Cross, etc.I'll leave you with that to ponder, hoping that you will not be encouraged by this pithy, petty, perturbed state of mind to think that I am any less of a person for it. Doubt is a devious, disgusting reality of Human Nature. Questions are born of FREE WILL—from that first bite of fruit off the Tree of Knowledge.
My mother, father & stepfather (even his next wife!), who were by no means stalwart exemplars of true Catholic virtue, would still shuffle me off to church every Sunday in obedience of the saintly stricture of the "Good Catholic Family." But, there was always such an unconscionable opposition between their very human imperfections & sin and the virtuous path preached to me so often by priests.
So much so that i knew from a very young age that my parents' behaviors, lifestyles, ideas & perspectives were more often than not always misguided, ignorant, prejudiced and distant from & dismayed by the true potential of their own earthly Salvation. I, being the selfless victim of constant torment & ridicule, admonitions & condemnations for my queerness, seemed, on the other hand, closer to Christ in virtue & in practice.
However, i must be honest here and admit without shame or regret my own imperfections. YES! During the most trying times in my life: periods of isolation, abandonment, illness, pain, suffering and doubt, which seem to repeat cyclically in perpetuum for me every odd number of years, I often found myself questioning God's love for me & questioning the motives behind the many manifestations of torment & tribulation I've so often suffered through in my life.
I am a faithful, humble servant of the Lord, grateful to be alive and blessed so immensely and in so many unique ways. Just as my "unintended teachers" are numerous in my life, so are my Guardian Angels!!
But, trust me! I don't take them for granted. I'm pretty sure that I'm on my last life here... God willing! And, I'm committed to doing and making the best with it in the end, as I intend to demonstrate with this public account of my life's story day by day.
Winston Churchill once said, "If you ever find yourself in Hell, just keep going!" How profound a statement!! I've heard it four times from four different people in two days. That must mean something special! What do you think? LMK. K? Tootles for now! Godspeed...
BTW, I hope to see some of you at my birthday party tomorrow!! Don't forget! I'm a bitch to buy for, for I expect only the best, most sentimental and touching gifts of...YES! GRATITUDE... and good fortune! Keep 'em coming! Thanx y'all...
Gratefully yours, :P
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard
San Francisco, CA 94109-7821
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