QHereKidSF @ Tri-Life: I TRY – UMPH!? – to triumph, even if victory means to fall flimsy forward on high-wire shaky strings. Gladly, I would step sure-footed onto a straight wrought-iron rope to delight in ecstatic acrobatics... There! Where skyward heaven-sent, my mindflux, mayhem, and moribund monstrosity ne'er do not matter more – QHEREKIDSF.COM!
The following is a dramatic monologue I prepared for my SINS INVALIDArtists In Residence "Resident Alien" Performance Showcase; however, this exact text will NOT be performed the evening's of the show. I therefore am now at liberty to share some of the copious work I have been preparing for performance during the last nine months for review by my peers. Please indulge me with your insights into this work; provide your own critical response and feedback, and I will be happy to take whatever you have to say to heart when considering revisions of the piece for future performance.
ALIEN ANNUCIATION:
Unearthing My Sacred Self
Fuck! Face it!! I’m a fagged-out, ferocious, Fog City funambule Freak Show — or Peep Show, depending on the scene [chuckles] — fabulously fucked in the head — HOLE! — for far too long [laughs outright]. FUN? For sure!! If by chance, you get some crazed, cracked-out, masochistic satisfaction from — OH! SO SAD! — strangely spiritual & surreal stories of catastrophic crystal-lined “Quarter-Life” crises, then maybe I’m your man!!
The mindflux & mayhem of this “MATTO” Matteo manifest as anxiety, manic depression, numerous non-specified personality disorders, coupled with devastatingly detrimental drug dependency and HIV/AIDS disease — BAM! Axes one through five, in no specific order!! My psychiatrists would all be proud. During the long-stretched syndrome of illness, disease & disorder that is my dismal, abysmal life, I was only ever once lost to languid torpor; torpor which turned out tantamount to torturous (i.e., id est… the ten to twelve days I laid unconscious, inactive & still; the skin & bone of my once boyhood beautiful face pressed flat, flush, firm & dying against a putrid, pestilent pillow).
Yet, for a time, prior to my tragically traumatic end, back before my whole “Fuck! Face it!!” mantra came into play, I once touted myself better than plainly pretty & princely. Back before my very real ruination ripped apart my smile; before antipsychotic psychotropics pretty much fucked up, tore down and all but annihilated my lachrymose libido, I spent my days super-speedy, sexed-up & salivating for raucously wild & raunchy “fag-fornication” – E, K, G… Crystal Methamphetamine sure’nough spewing from my sweaty, slimy skin!!
For lack of food, lack of sleep, but with no shortage of insanely over-indulgent fucking, I was led libidinally through a caustic, quixotic, voraciously vivacious and virulent six month schizoid-delusional messianic mania (i.e., id est… “crazed and cracked-out,” I told you!!). Here’s how the story goes…
After twenty-four-plus hours of positively preposterous unguided, temper-tantrumed and tweaked-out tantric yoga, I found myself falling flat on the floor from a backbend. In a glorious instance, I could both hear, feel and fear my mightily tight military neck flicker from firm to flaccid to flat with a couple of cracks and a crunch.
Then, out of nowhere, but to my tearfully giggled and enraptured delight, the “cycloptic” serpentine energy force of my kundalini uncoiled itself three & 1/2 fold from deep within the pit of my scrotum, as if a cataclysmically massive monster cock was fucking me from bottom-end to top-end entirely. My phallic kundalini snaked its way like speed-lightening straight up my squarely smacked flat spine, erupting explosively through each of my leveled & loosely lain chakras. Past my shoulders. Into my head. All with a sparklingly celestial shudder of glee!!
My voraciously virulent kundalini energy force broke the blood/brain barrier with the cracking and collapsing of my never near too straight again neck, and was free!! At that moment, deep from within a blinding, brilliant light, I saw the rebirth and renewal of all life, the reunification and redemption of retaliatory religions of the World, embodied as a dying leafless triple-branched tree: a familiar scenic device of Beckett’s brain, symbolizing the existential nihilism inherent in “waiting for God…”
But, the tree at the center of my powerfully immaculate vision was quite unlike the grey, lifeless, hollow-trunked, death-determined tree that so thwarted the mindless meanderings of Vladimir and Estragon. The tree at the center of my celestial light budded a new growth, new birth branch with a single, glowing emerald green leaf which dripped dew of heavenly angelic gold from its tip.
Two Men Contemplating the Moon, ca. 1830
Caspar David Friedrich (German, 1774-1840)
Oil on Canas, 13 3/4 x 17 1/4in. (34.9 x 43.8cm)
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York,
Wrightsman Fund, 2000 (2000.51)
My kundalini force thrust me thankfully toward my heavenly father – at least, I’d hoped it would – through ungodly, goliath insanity and bliss. Thus began the potent perversion of my intellect, my psyche, as I set off on a profoundly esoteric and spiritually pious six month search for the “One,” Almighty God.
Six days to six weeks, I spent alone, shut up in my sparse, stark and sullen studio apartment, spiraling my insanity into a chaotic hoarded mess, savagely searching for God. No, I didn’t find him…or her…or them. Well, maybe them!! If you’re one to consider the sublime god force a pluralist spiritual entity, then I’m almost certain that my schizoid-delusional miscomprehension of individual life forces, as being all parts of a prophetically benevolent community of angel/aliens who had come calling for me as a veritable “MATTO” Matteo, would have intrigued and enticed both your own spiritual and intellectual curiosity.
So, I didn’t find Him (or “Her”) in my search for the Divine, but I did find my own angelic alien annunciation as a “Gift of God” : Matthew, for I believe with all my kundalini life force that during this six month psychosis, I was being suited by a community of angel/aliens for my god-given, divinely apostolic duty to proclaim to the World the imminent arrival of a purely peaceful, nonviolent, anti-diabolic Armageddon.
I was called upon, or so much I wholeheartedly believed, to return from the “deathspace” transexualized and impregnated with an angel/alien Christ-child to usher in the climactic rebirth, re-growth and cultivation of a global unifying force: a “Garden of Eden,” Elysian Fields, Les Champs Élysées leading into more than just a city, but rather into a World of lights, illumination, rapture!!
I speak of chakras and kundalini sparingly here; even though, these words as psychic phenomena seem to predominate my prose. But, don’t get me wrong! I’m a good faith, good Catholic, Christian boy of Franco-Polish Hebraic descent; therefore, the word “RAPTURE” should make more sense!
You’d sooner find me carving a Cherokee totem disparaging my colonial heritage as self-proclaimed proudly pompous, well-educated elite alum of Jefferson’s own “Alma Mater of Our Nation.” Hell! You’d sooner find me rigging a home-made I.E.D. car-bomb in my Fresno-based meth-lab storage garage while bowing toward Muslim Mecca – No, not GAY MECCA!! – as I pray in istikhara, and offer supplication for divine guidance on how best to cripple and destroy Judeo-American neocolonial forces.
You’d sooner find this white-bred, white trash, euro-mutt, slut, goy-boy American speciously boasting either indigenous or Islamic roots, rather than spiting my own just and good Judeo-Catholic heritage by following blindly the wisdom & stricture of Sanskrit/Hindi yogic faith teachings, if not just as a Eurocentric fad of the intellectual and spiritual post-colonial diasporas…
Yet, sadly still, contrary to my Judeo-Christian biblical heritage and learning – if even as a namesake, merely!! – I did neither see nor encounter my single almighty God, the Father: The Maker of Man, of me, of my mindflux, mayhem and misery. But, I swear on the last remnants of sanity and semblance of beauty that this mad, mad monstrosity of a man may have, I swear…
I saw something! Something real. Unimagined. Something immaculate. Holy. Sublime. In fact, I saw many things, which I remember vividly and in distinct detail, despite near half a decade of dutifully downing each dawn & dusk the fists full of psychotropics my doctors order me to take to keep pace of peace and order in my boyish, good goyish brain.
I could go on and on and on without a single smile – I could, and I should, but I wont! Anyway. – I could catalog… In fact, I HAVE cataloged pages and pages describing the many multitudinous manifestations of my immaculate enlightenment. I could retell my rapture. I could narrate my nirvana; translate my transcendence for you all – I could, and I should, but I won’t! Anyway…
And, why not? Because, trust!! You’d only spurn and scoff at my seemingly spurious, counterfeit, tall, tall torturous tale; even though, it be not torturous, but tender, touching truth!! Unless, of course, you are curious, and have come across us angel/aliens in our own right with open minds and open hearts, then there’d be no point in proclaiming the snippets of specifics of my all too perturbing albeit prophetic schizoid-delusional messianic psychosis.
Respectfully submitted, Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard Artist In Residence SINS INVALID San Francisco, CA USA http://bit.ly/qherekidsf
[20110111T235237PST]
As many in this world stand poised foul-footed & faulty, skeptical of “so-soon-should-be” stability and drowning in the dim dark dawning of a new decade of hopes, nope & never minds, some may very well find themselves focused unflinching on the rightful remonstrance of their real, wrong, reprehensible ruination. And, others still may presume themselves victim of obviously obtrusive, abject, awful circumstance, such as so-called “calamity” or worse yet still, “catastrophe.”
But in sharp contrast to these many multitudes of madmen who moan in misery when met with mindflux & mayhem, I myself stand poised on solid ground, garishly gleaming in the glow of great gifts of good tidings and telling tales of betterment, blessings & beatitude…”Plentiful Beatitude!”
With the arrival of the new year and the end of an old, I’ve witnessed a coalescence or convergence of some commonly, characteristically distinct threads of thought that are now together guiding me toward goodness in the graces of my Greater Power. These thoughts, these systems of reasoning, these philosophies, maxims or mores divergent to a degree in my mind until now, seem today to be bound together by one common cord – a theme best expressed in a simple statement that once seemed to me to be a clichéd convention, but which I recognize now as an almost divine truth: “Faith without works was dead.”
Those fateful words are bracketed and emboldened by the glimmer of graphite marks carved onto page fourteen of the most recent addition to my fledgling “Religion & Recovery” library. This is the Fourth Edition of the Big Book, the Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous, the hardcover book reads on its glossy paper jacket.
During the last week and a half, I have made an enthusiastic effort specially to celebrate in proper fashion the blessed spirit of the Holiday Season, having invited many a friend into my home for a festive dinner party and the presentation of miniature stockings stuffed with candy and perfectly well-chosen and appropriate gifts.
May I boast a bit? Permit me, please! I must say, the satisfaction and appreciation expressed by my guests tells me that I am quite the host and played well the part of not-so-secret Santa.
I am confident that each of the close friends I invited into my home for the holiday were tenderly touched by my gesture of gregarious generosity and hospitality, and that they are indeed grateful. But more importantly, I am grateful. Extremely grateful! And I’d like to believe that this my guests would most gladly appreciate to know.
I wish I would have remembered to document the occasions in photos, but I forgot to borrow the digital camera from my neighbor, who was in fact a guest at both events. The two resoundingly intimate and joyful dinner parties I hosted for the holiday were quite the success and a perfect way to end the decade.
While I did nothing of significance to celebrate the actual eve of the new decade, I did however commit the first day of 2010 (in its entirety) to a very significant and commemorative exercise, introducing myself finally to the canonical tome of Twelve Step literature that my sponsor has been pressing upon me to read. I read from the preface to the final pages of the first chapter of the Big Book, and scribbled copious notes into my recovery journal from them.
In irregular, sporadic intervals I would break from reading and return to the computer to check email or to chat it up with buddies online. To one particular “buddy,” I ended up elucidating extemporaneously an elaborate plan in which I expressed an interest to involve myself.
My intention, as I described to my friend this morning and inspired by the seeming convergence or coalescence of certain variant themes on Religion & Recovery in my life at the present moment, is to reinvigorate my efforts to post regularly to my blog during the new year and to coordinate my spiritual and sobriety work into thoughtful written ruminations on these convergent themes.
Coincidentally, this morning a striking, peculiar, and poignant convergence of these themes manifest itself in my email inbox, with a blessing sent from my loyal, loving chaplain, Reverend Father Stephen Barlett-Ré [+]:
May today there be peace within. May you trust your Higher Power that you Are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities That you are born of Faith. May you use those gifts what you have received, And pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing That you are a child of God. May Thy presence settle in thy bones, And allow your soul the freedom to Sing, dance, praise and love. Saint Teresa de Ávila (1515-1582)
This blessing is in absolute accordance with the themes common to both the preaching of my pious priest and the very relevant first chapter of the Big Book: “Bill’s Story” (pp.1-16). The idea that “Faith without works [is] dead” resonates so powerfully with me in this moment of convergence that I must leave my own indelible mark on both the ecclesiastics learnt from my chaplain and the parochial piety of the “Program,” through rumination, reasoning and a reworking of this wide-eyed wisdom.
But, I’ve no talent in comparative literary analysis; or at least, I’ve not the time and energy to commit to such a studious examination of these separate texts and teachings. I will however simply cite some single passages that cohere conveniently to this wisdom, and courageously collect my thoughts around the words I find most enlightened, revealing and inspirational.
I’ve already presented the text of the blessing of Saint Teresa de Ávila above, but I’d like to draw my readers’ attention (as mine was so drawn) to the specific sentiment similar to the revelatory “Faith” statements of Big Book Bill. As the blessing rejoices, “May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you,” so Bill’s monstrance of a similar theme is told in his eloquent narrative, as such:
These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound
…the thought came [to me] that there were thousands of hopeless alcoholics who might be glad to have what had been so freely given me. Perhaps I could help some o them. They in turn might work with others.
My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that.
(Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition; pp.14-15)
Clearly this idea of “self-sacrifice for others” is the central paradigm of all that I have learnt from my priest, my sponsor, my program and “in the rooms” during the past six months of my sustained and assured sobriety. Reverend Father Stephen often preaches to me that the very real possibility of divine Salvation lies solely in the manifestation of our Faith through an imparting of that faith onto others and through a retelling, a sharing of the glory and love of God.
In understanding the significance of these words and of the convergence of this common unifying thematic thread of wisdom in Faith, I find myself more readily willing to comply with the urgings and pleas of my sponsor to demonstrate my commitment to the Program through sustained, accountable action and service.
After the cycle of another six months of sobriety, I will soon be allowed to share my story (my “gifts”) in the Rooms, and I eagerly anticipate the opportunity I’ll have received to impact profoundly the lives and perspectives of others through an expression of my faith, love and trust in my Higher Power. I have a story of such spiritual significance to share!!
And, I imagine that this exercise in rumination, reasoning and rewording of wisdom here and now will greatly influence the shape, structure and spirit of my message to others when the time comes for me to share my story. I may even use the blessing by Saint Teresa as the prayer of my choosing to adjourn the meetings during which I eventually will share. God willing! And for now, Godspeed!
Respectfully submitted, Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard San Francisco, CA USA
[2010.01.01@21:34PST]
Keeping with my practice of regularly posting my original nameplate illustrations, once they are complete & scanned into my computer, I'd like to present two new additions to my "STARSCAPES & TYPOGRAPHY" series. In presenting these design illustrations, I'd like also to speak briefly of the persons for which my art was designed, because it is often these recipients who have had and continue to have a profound impact on my life today. They deserve the gift of art, and I hope that they will cherish these works & display them with pride to their friends and family.
First, I feel rather obliged to speak my sobering thoughts of underlying shame and regret that presently inhibit my relationship with the recipient of this first name plate (of whom my readers have already heard plenty of thoughts & impressions from me in past posts to my blog): WALLACE (WES) SMITH.
You see, as I am presently residing in a substance abuse recovery facility and am overwhelmed by a very full schedule of day treatment and evening meeting, as well as by the additional work I do as a volunteer for the new international development nonprofit of which my best friend, Peter Maybarduk, is Acting Director & Vice-President of the Board: IPPSL | International Professional Partnerships for Sierra Leone, Inc. (http://www.ippsl.org/ - Site Under Construction!).
The last few (or maybe even many) times I've written hangout time with WES into my schedule, I have often invited him back to my apartment to meet me there for fun and entertainment: a good time. But, shame on me! I have more often than not in the last few weeks failed to pay WES any attention, as I've been consumed with work on the computer & internet (specifically, for my nonprofit). I have apologized repeatedly to WES for my inexcusable refusal to pay him any attention or to enjoy his company when he is here to support me in my time of transition and need, but apologies only go so far, before someone gets fed up with waiting for things to change and to receive what's due to them: respect! So, here I am telling on myself...disclosing my terrible behavior and promising to make a change and to make amends!!
I have every intention of dropping all other commitments, be they treatment or nonprofit work related, this coming Thursday, in order to give WES my full attention, so that we are able to enjoy our time together. And so that, he does not feel that I am taking him for granted. I cherish our friendship and all that he has sacrificed to send so much compassion, understanding and patience my way. I don't want to lose his support; that's for sure! So, things will change! Thursday, we'll do something special to entertain ourselves; I promise that as I state it here for the record. And rest assured! I will be sharing this blog post with WES, as soon as it has been published.
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
The recipient of my sixth STARSCAPES & TYPOGRAPHY nameplate illustration is a particularly robust and respectful man of faith who splits his professional time between Substance Abuse Treatment Counseling at Ferguson Place of Baker Places, Inc. and his service as a preacher for a small, liberal, progressive, culturally diverse Baptist Church not to far away from our facility on Divisadero Street. I'm sorry, at this time, I do not recall the name of his church, but will come back to this post and add it to the text here once I find out this information from one Rev. KEENAN R. BRANNER.
I designed KEENAN's nameplate on paper with different proportions & measurements than my previous designs, so in order to distinguish this my most recent illustration, I've given it a unique title: "REVERENCE & STARSCAPES: Keenan R. Branner (Rev.)," completed only this morning after almost two months of slow but not at all tedious work. I hope he (as well as all of my followers) enjoys this design. I'm quite proud of it. He asked for a crucifix, and that is what I gave him!! What do you all think of this pencil drawing? Any ideas for the next nameplates I create?? I'd like to try something new with each additional illustration I do, so suggestions for innovation and change would be greatly appreciated. Thanks & Enjoy!!
Respectfully submitted, Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF Matthew D. Blanchard San Francisco, CA 94109 [MDB2009.09.14@09:45PST]
I thought of so many titles for this blog entry, but found trouble reaching a decision because the scope of this article is so broad and detailed, while it bounds between momentous bits of wisdom of faith as if the intellect and the soul were mere play toys (not to sound pretentious!).
I have so much to discuss! This afternoon (from 1:30 - 2:45pm), I had my weekly Gospel Reading, Homily, Communion and Anointment from my in-home chaplain, and we had such an invigorating conversation that engaged me and drew me into deep contemplation and questioning: healthy questioning about my faith and my experiences.
The main themes of this article, which synopsizes my Reverend's Homily and our incorporated dialogue, are Congregation or Community vs. Church Leadership or Institution; Exclusion from faith Communities; The Resiliency of faith and Its Survival; The Equilibrium of Binary Occurrences in Faith (Yin/Yang, Jesus Christ/The Devil, Bliss/Pain, Fulfillment/Suffering, etc.); (again as in other Homilies) The Discovery of New Gifts and Pathways Toward Reaching Our Full Potential in Faith and in Life in God's Eyes; The "OctoMom" Debate, Faith and Recovery, etc.
I hope that if you can make it through this lengthy, ambitious article you might find some delightful tickle or titillating twists of intellect and faith (two virtues that so often seem a dichotomy) that inspire you to examine and strengthen your own relationship with God—the Father, and to continue your journey toward Salvation and Enlightenment through deep thought and study and debate.
Be blessed, my friends! For I would like to share my blessings with you all! Let me know what you think of the arguments in this article and about my relationship with my caring, stoic, unoffensive priest who visits me weekly for soul searching & revelation. What a gift! What an honor!
The Gospel acc. to John Chapter 6 : Verses 52 - 71
52 The Jews therefore strove among themselves, saying, How can this man give us his flesh to eat? 53 Then Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. 54 Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. 55 For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. 56 He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me and I in him. 57 As the living Father hath sent me, and I live by the Father: so he that eateth me, even he shall live by me. 58 This is the bread which came down from heaven: not as your fathers did eat manna and are dead: he that eateth of this bread shall live forever. 59 These things said he in the synagogue, as he taught in Capernaum. 60 Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is a hard saying; who can hear it? 61 When Jesus knew in himself that his disciples murmured at it, he said unto them, Doth this offend you? 62 What and if ye shall see the Son of man ascend up where he was before? 63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak to you are spirit; and they are life. 64 But there are some of you that believe not: for Jesus knew from the beginning who they were that believed not, and who should betray him. 65 And he said, Therefore, said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father. 66 From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. 67 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will you also go away? 68 Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou has the words of eternal life. 69 And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God. 70 Jesus answered them, Have not I chosen you twelve, and one of you is a devil? 71 He spoke of Judas Iscariot the son of Simon; for he it was that should betray him, being one of the twelve.
During today's Homily and discussion with my in-home chaplain, Rev. Stephen Bartlett-Re, I found myself immersed in deep thought and conversation, constantly rebutting my priest's messages to me by asking questions or by offering alternative personal views on matters of religion and faith. It was a great dialogue which left me inspired to record much of what was discussed again in a blog entry.
As Fthr. Stephen calls himself an intuitive thinker (as am I) and not a linear thinker, our conversation was rather rambling and curvaceous in its style, so it's difficult synopsizing the themes of our discussion in a logical format; because we let the conversation: a nontraditional though very personalized Homily, flow through and around ideas, examining each one of them briefly as they came into discussion.
But I will try to condense the Homily in an intelligible manner, so that readers of this blog entry might fully comprehend and be inspired by the immense wisdom that was shared spontaneously between two friends in Faith.
Before Fthr. Stephen read of the Gospel, we had a lengthy conversation that was ignited by a realization that there is a distinct difficulty in the GLBTQ community for men & women to practice a religion in a proper congregation of any denomination, while its easier for them to be disconnected from a church and yet to retain an enduring faith in God—The Father, and his sacrifice: his only son, Jesus Christ.
We both noticed how difficult it has been in our lives to find a church community that is accepting and welcoming and loving of us as gay men (or merely as anonymous individuals, even; regardless of our sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, gender, creed—or because of it?). Fthr. Stephen suggests that women in all fashions of the church are usually more welcoming than men (even in non-faith communities) in general, and men are more stoic & reserved and uninviting.
This, I proclaimed indignantly, was the reason why the gay community is so weak in faith and elsewhere in social life and community. Rev. Stephen agreed with me with a nod, a smile, and a confirming, concise response, "Exactly." He then described his personal experience living in Europe, in order to demonstrate how Anglo-Saxon/Americans have a tendency to compartmentalize their lives and sternly separate faith from function—contrary to Europeans.
He said that, in Europe, one can move in between and around the various aspects of one's personality without offending anyone, without being judged, and without negatively affecting the natural flow of conversation. In Europe, you can live as your true self and speak harmoniously of sexual orientation and religion in the same sentence.
Fthr. Stephen then continued to emphasis the obvious distinction between Religion & Faith, and between institutional leadership & congregational leadership in the Church. One is community-driven; it thrives on the strength of a small close knit group of parishioners. One is a megalithic administration that values more the increase of their already expansive wealth over parishioners as a community of individual followers of one common Faith. And lastly, there's the independent, rejected outcast of the Church, who still manages to salvage, nurture and grow his own Faith and Practice privately.
But community is primarily responsible for the survival of the Church, and many gay men & women (such as the parishioners of the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church in the Castro District of San Francisco, who blindly accept the bigotry and judgment against their lifestyles and values in sermon and in practice of the Church leadership & community, and still nonetheless follow along, deftly silencing any impulse toward rebuttal of what they hear and see from their conservative heterosexual church members and clergy; because they want (they need) to stay part of this particular Faith Community.
The truth is that in every group or community (or even political organization), there are unique rules and regulations, mores & maxims that members must obey, rather than risk disintegrating the community through internal strife and disagreement. Members of a community (social, religious, political or otherwise) must abandon or quench some of their most potent, inspired values and ideas for the sake of the group maintaining its salience.
The dialogue about faith and the GLBTQ communities in America took a biting, sardonic tone, when it was turned toward current pop culture news & events by Fthr. Stephen's mentioning of the "OctoMom." What he revealed to me about the "OctoMom", based on news he had heard in conversation with colleagues and in reading various international news journals, was actually very revelatory—although tragically ironic or an oxymoron (even worse!). He explained that there is a certain potently vocal group of Christian Fundamentalist Church leaders who have begun to argue that the "OctoMom" phenomenon is the fault of the Homosexuals.
"What!? Why in the world? How in the world could they come to that conclusion?" I questioned. Rev. Stephen explained further that the Fundamentalist Christian Right Wing community is circulating the idea that this poor woman felt obligated to birth all eight babies because she was "fighting to preserve the Heterosexual race" against a detrimentally prolific propagating of gay people all over the World!!
I was stunned, shocked, appalled! Primarily, because I distinctly remember viewing a RadarTV.com television interview with the "OctoMom", where she defensively confessed in her own uniquely reasonable and rational way that she "wouldn't put the kids up for adoption, and...could have never killed the embryos, because they were human life. That'd be murder!"
What's so ironic is that this particular rationale: the obligation to produce or "save" life because unfertilized embryos are human beings, is the same rationale that serves as the backbone of all Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist arguments against Human Embryonic Stem Cell Research—research that may just very well lead to the curing of many of humankind's most devastating diseases and infirmities, and may one day prove to see the paralyzed take their "first steps on Earth."
So it just logically seems to me that the "OctoMom" and her fourteen children are the direct product of Conservative Fundamentalists and of the extreme pro-life rhetoric and values of the Christian Church or some far Right (but horribly wrong!) Denomination; and the phenomenon is not the fault of a gay population take over. Funny though! Chances are that at least 6 of her children will end up struggling with their sexual identity in their adolescence and turn out to be gay or lesbian. Hah Hah!
See! We are taking over! It's our own covert operation to progressively eliminate the entire Heterosexual Race, but that would only be possible if Darwin's theories of "Survival of the Fittest" & "Evolution" were sound & true. The Christians would never admit to That! Oh God! Can you imagine? It would turn the world in spirals downward so low we'd all be engulfed in the flames at the core of the Earth and suffer eternally in Purgatory!! Sense the cynicism and sarcasm? Hell, I couldn't make it any more blatantly obvious. Hehehehe!
Upon the frustrating end to the "OctoMom" topic, Fthr. Stephen readsome of the verses of today's Gospel (the first half to 2/3) and began to focus in to discuss the essence of his Homily. The scripture reads (and I paraphrase; because we all have the right to take certain liberties with the Bible, as it has been so many times so loosely and biasedly translated; and because, I'm not much of a fan of the King James Version translation that I've cited at the start of this article): Whoso eateth of the flesh of the Son and drinketh of his blood will live forever! That statement, in and of itself, represents one of the many core values or sentiments of our religion.
Rev. Stephen enlighted me by guiding me to the realization that this is an open, non-prejudicial or non-segregatory statement. In this simple, succinct statement, there is not mention of anything remotely related to classifications based on race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, marital status or sin. All that one needs to be worthy of eternal life in the emaculate bliss of Heaven is to have faith enough to believe that the bread of Christ is the flesh of Christ; and the wine, his blood.
Eternal life is our gift for having faith enough to eat of the flesh of Jesus and drink of his blood: a gruesome, cannabilistic, vampyric action or simply a symbolic gesture: an expression of our profoundly complex individual Faith in God and in the Life, Death and the Miracles of his only son, Jesus Christ. "It's about the fundamentals not the Fundamentalists," Fthr. Stephen declared. "As Paul the Apostle preached, Absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love for each of us!" he added.
Bringing the dialogue in a complete circle, limiting any tangential sway from the crux of his message: his Homily, Fthr. Stephen argued again of the conflict between Church Community and Church Leadership (Congregation vs. Institution), believing that when conflict arises between the two and a follower is admonished and rejected by the religious community, faith can still survive outside the Church.
For example, in Ancient empirical Japan, all religious institutions were systematically abolished by the Empire, but the Faith and the Practices of Buddhism & Confucionism have nontheless survived until today, thousands of years! Fthr. Stephen also gave the example of the Catholic Revival and the development of his own Old Catholic or Anglo-Catholic Faith during the time of the Catholic Reformation before Vatican II, when certain ancient traditions were abandonned, only to be scavanged up by derilect, Old Catholic priests who would perserve them and let them survive through history.
A religious institution can attempt to destory its fundamentals—tearing apart sacred vestaments; melting down priceless chalices & crucifixes, standards & staffs for the value of the gold; destroying a rich artistic heritage of traditional iconography all in the name of Modernization—but the fundamental faith remains. Separate demonations dissolve or separate into factions, often in disaccordance and conflict, but as discussed earlier in this article, religious community members learn to quiet many of their urges to argue, so that we all still are able to share the same fundamental Faith in a Higher Power.
We all remain Christian. And, even distant alternatives to Christianity (Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism...Pagan Faiths, even) begin to converge around a certain, fundamentally human belief in what is good, in what is Faith, and in the Divine. Faith survives all conflict or isolation and history's ravaging of traditions, because it is fundamental, not Fundamentalist.
For Church communities to survive (and this relates to the earlier discussion on the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church, situated in the direct center of a thriving gay community, with many gay parishioners), if you want to be a member of a Faith Community (of any community) you must accept certain rules and regulations of that group. It's about maintaining equilibrium.
Where there is good, there is bad—accomplishment; struggle—butthe good always prevails; or so Fthr. Stephen argued. But through all of my horrendous experiences over these last six years, I had to argue back: "If it's all a matter of equilibrium, then why has there been such a powerfully destructive imbalance between the positive and the negative in my life?" Rev. Stephen responded with his hands turned up, his elbows in and his shoulders down in a shrug, "That's just the truth of life," he answered back.
Honestly, I'm not sure if that was a sufficient answer for me, but before I could argue against that response, Rev. Stephen returned to the message of one of his previous Homilies (a theme that often reoccurs in his sermons): that he, as a leader of Faith, cannot determine another person's path in life and cannot therefore provide definite, complete answers to the whys and wherefores of the cruelty of Life. That is something that someone has to determine or figure out for themselves, as they progress toward the realization of their full, complete relationship with God in Faith.
He explained again, as he has before, that I am "coming ito a new understanding of my gifts in life." He tried to pet my sore, wounded ego then by quoting a statement from a female Saint of the early 20th Century; "Jobs become obsolete; talents don't!" And he continued the lesson he has often preached to me, by explaining, "It's only in learning to use our new and hidden gifts, that we may grow into our full potential" (again, I paraphrase, but the essence of his holy message is implied in this quotation).
I recognize that I am finding immense fulfillment in discovering my new gifts and pathways toward Salvation and have begun the process of moving forward. I even have a little momentum, but I just have to admit that I also have many handicaps and hangups to stuggle against.
That is when I argued that the struggle and journey toward reaching one's full potential often leads one to realize new discoveries, but it also may often cause us to trip over and over on potholes and missteps. The journey is about battling against the pitfalls and hangups; or, at least, it is about finding an "equilibrium" between the momentum, traction, friction, tread and reversals.
My chaplain then argued that these hangups and tragedies in life are a result of one's constant struggle, especially as a closeted gay adolescent or young man, to fight the mold that society has pushed him into, and we rebel in very reactionary, destructive ways: self-destructive tendencies, which are the result of our lack of self-awareness as young people. Despite all the destruction and failures though, God's love for us endures. That is what we can trust in and count on. That was Fthr. Stephen's ultimate message to me with his Homily today.
And I very much was attentively attuned to his arguments, appreciating the opportunity to share in the extemporaneous development of his Homily through dialogue, discussion, rebuttal and response. This participatory style of preaching through conversation lends itself to both our intuitive, complex, circular, disjunctured intellects, so that we have both been able to stimulate each other's rational though and peaceful non-consiliatory arguments, and to come to realize and engender very remarkable instances of distinct wisdom in Faith.
This is why I am so grateful to have the support of such an engaging, supportive, compassionate, faithful spiritual guide or religious leader involved in my life on a weekly basis, because it keeps me constantly attuned to developments in my relationship with my Higher Power.
These weekly Old Catholic Homily dialogues, combined with weekly Buddhist Meditation & Recovery meetings at the Zen Center - San Francisco with Steven Tierney, Ed.D, CAS (my mentor and dear friend) and with my new Zen Recovery "Sanga" or Faith Community, keeps me primed for some valuable discoveries and realizations about my relationship with God, about the crippling control my disease & addiction have over me, and how only my Faith in the reaching of my full potential in God's eyes, will allow me to overcome my addiction.
I'm well through the first three steps of Recovery (even without a Sponsor yet), and I am constantly practicing the principles of Step 11 on nearly a daily basis. More praying and meditation wouldn't hurt, though! I wouldn't want to jinx my progress! It's about finding equilibrium! I'm not sure if all the 10 & 12 & 15 year recovering addicts I encounter at NA & CMA meetings would necessarily agree with this concept. They would at least argue that there's no place for drug and alcohol abuse & addiction in Equilibrium; because, in fact, active use would only disrupt the balance of our Faith & Spirit constantly, dramatically, viciously.
Once one has gained sobriety and has begun the battle to contol and sustain it, then they might be able to balance all the real, standing, human negatives of life with an even more clear, exaltant, sober experience of the positives—knowing that God's love for us will always endure, and that Enlightenment & Perfection are, yes, realistically attainable.
There is hope and beauty in the World, despite the simultaneous existance of their exact hideous and despairing opposities; and this is a reason to keep fighting to realize one's true gifts in life: to find balance (or even to somewhat expertly control the balance) between the pluses and the minuses. That is the intuitive conclusion I have come to realize by having this Homily today personalized to my particular circumstances and by continuing my participation in the study of these religious teachings, through the platform and outlet of this blog exercise.
I am grateful to have this opportunity to collect, record and publish my thoughts to the world. Even though, my followeres are few; I maintain quiet, serene, satisfied hope that maybe (just maybe) one day the writing of my opinions, thoughts and curious contemplations will move some people to strengthen their Faith and their beliefs and their morals and their intellect. And to maybe (just maybe) one day have more people join me in dialogue to help boarden our minds & our own beliefs.
That is what I hope I might gain from this blog endeavor, and that is where I will end my pontications for now. Thank you for reading! Please be encouraged to post your own thoughts as comments on this blog entry or on others. Ideally, I would aslo like this blog to be used as a way to develop a connection with a wider network of friends and supporters. That would be great! Thank You! Peace Out! Cheers! Namaste!
In God's Love... Most Sincerely, Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF Matthew Blanchard San Francisco, CA
SAY NOTHING OF MY RELIGION. IT IS KNOWN TO GOD & MYSELF ALONE. IT'S EVIDENCE BEFORE THE WORLD IS TO BE SOUGHT IN MY LIFE: IF IT HAS BEEN HONEST & DUTIFUL TO SOCIETY THE RELIGION WHICH HAS REGULATED IT CANNOT BE A BAD ONE. — Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
THE TRUE MEANING OF RELIGION IS THUS NOT SIMPLY MORALITY, BUT MORALITY TOUCHED BY EMOTION. — Matthew Arnold (1822-1888), 'Literature & Dogma,' preface to 1883 ed.
IF YOU CAN'T HAVE FAITH IN WHAT IS HELD UP TO YOU FOR FAITH, YOU MUST FIND THINGS TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, FOR A LIFE WITHOUT FAITH IN SOMETHING IS TOO NARROW A SPACE TO LIVE. — George E. Woodberry
Then, out of nowhere, but to my tearfully giggled and enraptured delight, the “cycloptic” serpentine energy force of my kundalini uncoiled itself three & 1/2 fold from deep within the pit of my scrotum, as if a cataclysmically massive monster cock was fucking me from bottom-end to top-end entirely. My phallic kundalini snaked its way like speed-lightening straight up my squarely smacked flat spine, erupting explosively through each of my leveled & loosely lain chakras. Past my shoulders. Into my head. All with a sparklingly celestial shudder of glee!!
