I even changed envelopes from one that was fully decorated just with Steven's name dancing in stars, to another envelope that was similarly decorated but included his mailing address on it. Alas, it is Sunday, a week later, and the letter has just sat on my desk gather dust.
So, in hopes that I might see Steven tomorrow night at MEDITATION & RECOVERY at the Zen Center, I decided to send him a link to my blog posting which included a transcription of my letter to him with introduction & conclusion. The following is the text from the Facebook™ Message I sent to Steven to introduce him to my blog and to have him read my letter in time to talk about before the Recovery Meeting tomorrow night:
Good Morning Steven,
It's been so long since I've talked to you that I just don't know how to begin. I wrote everything I was thinking that I wanted to say to you in a ten page hand-written single-spaced letter, which I in turn transcribed with an introduction and a conclusion as a blog entry. I wrote the letter on the evening of May 30, 2009; so, it's been a week since I sealed the envelope.
I was planning on giving you the letter in person when I saw you (if I saw you!) at MEDITATION & RECOVERY at the Zen Center last Monday, but the friend from NEW LEAF HIV+ RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUP that was supposed to go with me reneged and the plans for attending the Meditation fell through. So, I've been stuck with your letter, not knowing if I should put it in the mail (YOU COULD BE IN AFRICA, FOR ALL I KNOW!!) :-) or just wait until tomorrow when plans are rescheduled so that I can finally once again attend MEDITATION & RECOVERY with a recovering addict friend of mine who, like I said, I met at NEW LEAF SERVICES.
So, it being Sunday (which means no mail pick up or delivery!), I figured I could just preemptively send you a link to my blog entry which has the letter copied verbatim (along with other important contemplations & elaborations) so that you could read what I wrote to you on the screen & not on paper. I do however intend still to bring the hand-written letter to the Zen Center tomorrow night, if everything works out with my friend this time. So, you'll have my cute little doodles in the header of the loose leaf to gawk & stare at in amazement of my cute little creative neuroses.
Plus, I spent a lot of time writing that damn letter and making it look pretty, so be sure that I want you to have the final hard copy for posterity's sake, as a souvenir (if you keep mementos of this sort laying around your home!).
The gist of the letter is that I MISS YOU!! Even though, I don't think that's ever explicitly written in the text. And, while there has been this gulf growing ever wider between us, I have been working very hard to try to recalibrate my priorities for recovery & sobriety. All of this is in hopes that you might be able to see in me some promise, some drive, some commitment, some plans; so that you can feel comfortable enough to reintegrate yourself back into my life to a point where I in no way am the cause of any strife or negativity.
I'd like things to go back to the way they were, when we would hang out every week and go to the movies, but now that my recovery is a burning, pressing priority, we can't go back to these old ways of just nonchalantly ignoring the truth of my weak and feeble existence. I would like to see you regularly still however, even if that means only at MEDITATION & RECOVERY at the Zen Center San Francisco on Monday Nights. It still would be nice to be able to meet you at the teahouse ahead of time for some nice supportive conversation and a checking in.
I could really benefit from having your stalwart, sensitive, savvy support in my life every week, to keep me as "on track" as I have been these past few weeks since I started attending RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUPS at NEW LEAF. Finally, I was assigned a psychologist (a therapist, MFT!), and we have worked very intensively each week now for four weeks at mapping out my clean time and analyzing my triggers and cravings and hangups and give-ins.
Like I say in the letter/blog: "I AM MAKING PROGRESS!" And, I want you to share in that forward momentum. At the end of the letter, on the very last page, written in all capitals, I go on a small tirade about how and why I need you in my life, and I make a rather important, seemingly superhuman request of you.
Please, take the question seriously! Don't blow it off as just more evidence of my youthful naivety & zeal. I mean what I say...what I ask! My need for you in my life is definitely that profound! Take some time to think about the question, to interpret it in your own way, to understand what it is I am asking of you, and then please, give me your answer & comments.
You could either write down your thoughts in a return letter, or we could meet at the teahouse tomorrow night at about 6:15/30P.M. to talk one on one about the contents of my letter. If my friend from MEW LEAF comes with me tomorrow, then that would also give you two a nice opportunity to be introduced. He's a good guy! He's already invited me to three different CMA/NA Recovery Meetings during the week and on the weekend, so I am returning the favor and dragging him along to my old time favorite RECOVERY MEETING: MEDITATION & RECOVERY!!
I told him already how incredible of an experience it is. I think he'll be truly delighted and inspired by attending. Maybe we might even be able to make a regular thing out of it, he and I!? We'll see! In the meantime, I'm focusing my energies & attention on winning you back into my graces & into my good confidence, as a confidante.
That's all there really is for me to say right now. I've probably gone a little bit overboard anyway, but it's been so long since I've seen you or talked to you; I didn't want to leave anything unsaid.
The link to my blog entry with your letter transcribed with intro. & conclusion is at the bottom of this message. The blog entry is entitled, "Forward: In The Direction of My Dreams!" — a line taken directly from the last page tirade and superhuman request of you. See, that's how I feel I have begun to move: FORWARD!! And my dreams are no longer bleak and unwelcoming. They are filled with visions and feelings of constant, sustainable sobriety and success with my long term, committed recovery.
I want to share my dreams with you once again. I want you to carry me along the way when I am too week to stand and move forward on my own. "Who says a friend or brethren can't be your Higher Power?" I believe in friendship! I have faith in friendship, our friendship! May it truly bless us both with good tidings and benevolence. Namaste, dear friend!! Peace Out! Ciao! Cheers! TTYS! And see you tomorrow night (IF YOU AREN"T IN AFRICA!!)...
Who knows, maybe it will be my lucky day and be your night to lead the group with a discussion on your own personal Buddhist philosophy around Recovery. I look forward to hearing your perspective and to taking copious notes to learn by.
You're the greatest man I know! No lie! But, I don't know many men, so consider yourself "not so special," if you care to... Hehehehe. OK! I'm outtie! A DOMANI, MIO AMICO BELLISSIMO E FORTE!! Ciao again. Bye for now! Thanks for sitting though all of this dribble drabble and for listening to my every word.
Your attention and consideration means a lot to me! A whole hell of a lot!! May you be blessed with serenity of mind and wholeness of body! I hope your health is good! Mine is so so. We can talk about that another time. Ta Ta for now!
Most ever so sincerely,
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. BlanchardSan Francisco, CA 94109-7821
[MDB2009.06.07@08:04PST]
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IF ONE ADVANCES CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS DREAMS,
AND ENDEAVORS TO LIVE THE LIFE HE HAS IMAGINED,HE WILL MEET , c
WITH A SUCCESS UNEXPECTED IN COMMON HOURS.
— Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)ng
I believe that this email if not succintly then exhaustively describes my intentions with the letter to Steven. I'm not sure if I will see him tomorrow night at MEDITATION & RECOVERY at the Zen Center San Francisco, because as I've previously alluded to: HE COULD BE IN AFRICA!
Yes, Dr. Steven Tierney often makes trips to Zambia, Africa to do HIV/AIDS Advocacy related work with the tribes people in the rural country, work that he has been doing on an off ever since he was Director of HIV Prevention for the SFDPH AIDS Office back when I was a member of the HPPC (see previous posts!) in 2003-2005.
So, Steven could be trapzing around Zambian villages working with the HIV+ countrymen & women & children there. He might not be at MEDITATION & RECOVERY, though I hope that if he is it is indeed his time to facilitate the Buddhist teaching discussion, 'cause I've yet to hear him speak about his spirituality to a group in public. I look forward dearly to watching him and to participating in the monitored discussion afterwards.
I think that he would welcome me interjecting my own thoughts at the end of his speech, like many other recovering addicts & alcoholics do at meetings of this sort. We'll just have to wait and see. I at least hope that Steven appreciates receiving the blog link in this email. For reference to the blog entry in mention, see the second previous entry: "Forward: In the Direction of My Dreams!"
[MDB2009.06.07@13:00PST]
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