The following text is a letter I wrote to a recent online "Friends" addition. This random kid sent me an email in MySpace.com asking if I wanted to connect. His profile seemed pretty interesting, so I indulged him in an email exchange. In my first email, however, I told him to read my blog: Plentiful Beatitude, and to decide if he still wanted to get to know me after hearing of my tragic situation.
He responded, expressing his immense sympathy and saying that he would like to get to know me better. He seems to think that we could have the mutual effect on each other of changing our perspectives and defeating the "woe is me!" mentality. We'll see where tihs all leads. If anything, I've garnered some immense incite into the nature of depression.
Words to be remembered:
Life has lead me on some difficult roads, but none so treacherous & tragic as the one I am careening down now a'days. Living without a face is not easy, but I survive. Sometimes, like you, I get that "woe is me!" feeling--quite often, in fact--but somehow I succeed in sweeping the gloom & doom aside and freeing my mind for happier thoughts. In the end, all I can tell myself is "one day, this too shall pass!"
Depressed & reclusive tendencies are not a definitive symptom of any personality flaw or psychological handicap. Feeling down once in a while (even for long, cyclical periods) is perfectly normal. So, unless you happen to be severely devastated emotionally and victim of an irresolvable psychological impairment, then you have nothing to worry about.
There are many more colors of the rainbow than just the solitary, melancholic, deepest of blue. I can tell from you're MySpace profile & pics, quite simply, that you have a very colorful, vibrant personality. Don't trust in depression & doom's day dealings, for they are deceptive and--much more often than not--temporary. Tumultuous, but temporary!
As per your inquiry about the who's, what's & how's of my tragic misfortune, I'll tell you this: In late September, 2007, just after my birthday, I could tell that I was getting sick. But I wrote it off as just another rhino-viral attack, so I didn't go in to see my doctor. In stead, I just thought I would lay back in bed for a few days and tough it out. That was, obviously, the wrong thing to do.
The last thing I remember, before waking up in the hospital with a massive hole in my face and tubes hanging out from me all over the place, was watching Robin Williams on Late Night with Conan O'Brian (in San Francisco). I think it was a re-run. I'm not sure what the exact date was that I lost consciousness, but it wasn't before the end of the month. The doctors estimate by the degree of necrotic decomposition and the failure of my immune system that I must have been unconscious for between 10 to 12 days. That is just enough time for my kidneys to fail and for my mouth & nose to shrivel up & die. Sorry to be so bleak & brute about it.
In light of my present deformity & handicap, I've had to completely re-evaluate the direction of my life, especially how I intend on continuing my education & pursuing a career. Before the devastation, I was aiming to get an MFA/PhD in Experimental Queer Performance or a PhD in Contemporary French Theater. But now, I've been deformed so monstrously that I shan't be seen by the public without a mask on, and my speech (once made eloquent & refined by a quarter-life's worth of theater training) is now grotesquely impaired. So studying and teaching Theater or French is pretty much out of the question.
As an alternative, I've considered focusing on different of my passions in life. Once my reconstructions are complete and I feel comfortable venturing out into the world vis-a-vis per say, then I may go back to school either to get a BA/MFA in Graphic Design & Advertising or to get my MSW/LCSW (Master's of Social Work/Licensed Clinical Social Worker Certificate). But that decision is one that I have no strength to consider; at least, for the next year, until my reconstructions are complete.
There. See. I've written a novel. Such is my nagging predisposition. I've a habit of rambling on & on about the most inane, contrite subjects; although, I don't think that anything I've mentioned in this email qualifies as such. I hope you appreciate my verbosity. Please let me know what is getting you down. Maybe I can help to brighten your day a lil'. I look forward to hearing back from you. Stay Safe & Be Well! Peace, Love, and Loads of lazy, lascivious, loud leopard-skin leotards! (I like alliteration! Alliteration is my friend.)
Thank you! Talk to you soon...
