POTENCY OF "POWERLESSNESS!!"

Midweek already and I feel like I’m living a dream. Not a schizoid manic maneuvering or mulling over my own misery and mayhem, but a blessed vision of beauty, betterment & beatitude… “Plentiful Beatitude” is what I see here sat slumped over my computer at an unconscionable hour, a reprehensible hour of late night / early morning rambling rumination and running in circles.  Naw! I kid. For, there is a very distinct clarity to my vision, my dreams, and my self-revelation.

I’ll keep the text of this journal entry simple and succinct, relaying only the remaniés of my ruminations on recovery and reconstructions via an embedding of my most recent YouTube® video upload:

 

Mindflux | Matt(e)o | Mayhem -- Meet ME!! : Matt, Matthew, Mathieu, Matthias, Mattia, "Il MATTO Matt(e)o!!" My sweet enunciation of sacred self : "Gift from God," a story of blessings, beauty, betterment & beatitude -- "Plentiful Beatitude!!" QHereKidSF celebrates six months of sobriety and his sixth surgical reconstruction, ever more grateful of his own once fabled (now forever) fortune, fortitude & FABULOSITY!! -- © 2010 QHereKidSF (a.k.a., Matthew D. Blanchard) | All Rights Reserved.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V_-P6n9ZJQ
http://www.youtube.com/qherekidsf

The good humor and clarity with which I express myself in this video is not so sterile that it's striking; but rather, the jovial, unsanctified spirit of this monologue surmounts sterility and vapidity to tend more toward an extemporaneously tender, telling exposé – an elaboratively "sweet enunciation of sacred self," as so poignantly posited in the description of this video upload and post (above.)

But that which was forcedly stricken from my meditation on mis(sed)-fortune – no longer! – is mention of the mindful, miraculous, meditative revelations that came of me subsequent to this seemingly sagacious soliloquy, only after I was ironically able to enunciate an elaboration on this exquisite expression of my unsuspected/(ing) shift in perspective on the Program, its potential and its “promises.”

My realization came quick, pounding my peripheral lobe with the profound potency of powerlessness and the plentiful pretences and possibilities for perfection (i.e., the “spiritual awakening”) of which the Twelfth Step presupposes, after I posted my most recent, previous entry, entitled “May Today There Be Peace Within…”

I came to a timely, telling conclusion – No! I shouldn’t call this a “conclusion.” A word exists, I know, that better evokes beginning, rather than end, for that is what this is: a seedling, a serendipitous sprouting & savoring of spiritual revelation…and yes, perhaps premature “awakening!” – during a group therapy session at my LGBTQ Mental Health and Substance Abuse Recovery Center here in San Francisco, the day after my surgery (i.e., only just yesterday!!).

I must respect the unequivocal expectation of confidentiality in this retelling of my in-group revelation, so I ask both my readers and the well-respected, well-meaning members of my Abstinence Support Group to allow me the liberty and right to tergiversate an equivocation of my in-group pontifications and feedback without any indulgent unveiling of identities through ambiguity and ambivalence.  

Here’s a synopsis of my statements to my Recovery Community that I’d like to make available on the public domain as a testament of the potential for a consummate conclusive curtailing of our old misguidance and of a tendency toward a cyclic sharing of life’s lessons learnt through long-lasting, sustained sobriety:

These past few weeks – especially, the last three days – have been quite transformative for me, and I mean “transformative” both in the literal and figurative sense, in the physical, mental and emotional sense tending toward a complete shift in perspective and a reshaping & saving of face.     

Fortunately, after indulging the heed by my Sponsor of my obligations to the Program to acquire and begin to read the canonical tome of Twelve Step literature: The Big Book, I found that I had been suddenly and spontaneously convinced by the sumptuous eloquence of its words, and that my perspective had suddenly shifted in its logic and leanings.     

I live today in stark contrast to the shape & form of my former perspective, reason, logic and emotion: that of “active” addiction. There has been so much drastic imminent change in my life, both physically and spiritually, during the last two and a half years – particularly, during the last six months, and I owe it all to my sobriety.  That’s an amazing, self-affirming realization for me and a lesson to others.     

For prior to my discovery of the “promises” of the Program, I held such a indomitable contempt for life and for circumstance and for fate and for kharma and for my Higher Power’s so-called “plan” for me.  But now, after so much transformation physically and emotionally and circumstantially, my perspective on the Program (and on my blessings, beauty, betterment & beatitude – “Plentiful Beatitude!”) has subsequently transformed into something distinctly positive and grateful.

This is what I did not mention in my video: an erstwhile realization or discovery to which I have only hitherto come. This is the essence of my share with the Recovery Community, and I sum it up in a solemn spiritually promising message to the Newcomer(s):  Keep coming back! It works!! I am only evidence of this otherwhile indomitable truth and promise of the Program. Thank God for that! Amen. Alleluia!! 

Respectfully submitted,

Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF

Matthew D. Blanchard

San Francisco, CA USA

[2010.01.07@5:03PST]

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WHEN WE HONESTLY ASK OURSELVES WHICH PERSON
IN OUR LIVES MEANS THE MOST TO US, WE OFTEN FIND
THAT IT IS THOSE WHO, INSTEAD OF GIVING MUCH ADVICE,
SOLUTIONS OR CURES, HAVE CHOSEN RATHER TO SHARE
OUR PAIN & TOUCH OUR WOUNDS WITH A GENTLE AND
TENDER HAND. THE FRIEND WHO CAN BE SILENT WITH US
IN A MOMENT OF DESPAIR OR CONFUSION, WHO CAN STAY
WITH US IN AN HOUR OF GRIEF & BEREAVEMENT, WHO CAN
TOLERATE NOT KNOWING, NOT CURING, NOT HEALING AND
FACE WITH US THE REALITY OF OUR POWERLESSNESS,
THAT IS A FRIEND WHO CARES.
— Unknown

"May Today There Be Peace Within..."

As many in this world stand poised foul-footed & faulty, skeptical of “so-soon-should-be” stability and drowning in the dim dark dawning of a new decade of hopes, nope & never minds, some may very well find themselves focused unflinching on the rightful remonstrance of their real, wrong, reprehensible ruination. And, others still may presume themselves victim of obviously obtrusive, abject, awful circumstance, such as so-called “calamity” or worse yet still, “catastrophe.” 

But in sharp contrast to these many multitudes of madmen who moan in misery when met with mindflux & mayhem, I myself stand poised on solid ground, garishly gleaming in the glow of great gifts of good tidings and telling tales of betterment, blessings & beatitude…”Plentiful Beatitude!”

With the arrival of the new year and the end of an old, I’ve witnessed a coalescence or convergence of some commonly, characteristically distinct threads of thought that are now together guiding me toward goodness in the graces of my Greater Power. These thoughts, these systems of reasoning, these philosophies, maxims or mores divergent to a degree in my mind until now, seem today to be bound together by one common cord – a theme best expressed in a simple statement that once seemed to me to be a clichéd convention, but which I recognize now as an almost divine truth: “Faith without works was dead.”

Those fateful words are bracketed and emboldened by the glimmer of graphite marks carved onto page fourteen of the most recent addition to my fledgling “Religion & Recovery” library. This is the Fourth Edition of the Big Book, the Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous, the hardcover book reads on its glossy paper jacket.

During the last week and a half, I have made an enthusiastic effort specially to celebrate in proper fashion the blessed spirit of the Holiday Season, having invited many a friend into my home for a festive dinner party and the presentation of miniature stockings stuffed with candy and perfectly well-chosen and appropriate gifts.  

May I boast a bit? Permit me, please! I must say, the satisfaction and appreciation expressed by my guests tells me that I am quite the host and played well the part of not-so-secret Santa.

I am confident that each of the close friends I invited into my home for the holiday were tenderly touched by my gesture of gregarious generosity and hospitality, and that they are indeed grateful.  But more importantly, I am grateful. Extremely grateful! And I’d like to believe that this my guests would most gladly appreciate to know.  

I wish I would have remembered to document the occasions in photos, but I forgot to borrow the digital camera from my neighbor, who was in fact a guest at both events. The two resoundingly intimate and joyful dinner parties I hosted for the holiday were quite the success and a perfect way to end the decade.

While I did nothing of significance to celebrate the actual eve of the new decade, I did however commit the first day of 2010 (in its entirety) to a very significant and commemorative exercise, introducing myself finally to the canonical tome of Twelve Step literature that my sponsor has been pressing upon me to read.  I read from the preface to the final pages of the first chapter of the Big Book, and scribbled copious notes into my recovery journal from them.

In irregular, sporadic intervals I would break from reading and return to the computer to check email or to chat it up with buddies online.  To one particular “buddy,” I ended up elucidating extemporaneously an elaborate plan in which I expressed an interest to involve myself.  

My intention, as I described to my friend this morning and inspired by the seeming convergence or coalescence of certain variant themes on Religion & Recovery in my life at the present moment, is to reinvigorate my efforts to post regularly to my blog during the new year and to coordinate my spiritual and sobriety work into thoughtful written ruminations on these convergent themes.

Coincidentally, this morning a striking, peculiar, and poignant convergence of these themes manifest itself in my email inbox, with a blessing sent from my loyal, loving chaplain, Reverend Father Stephen Barlett-Ré [+]:

May today there be peace within.
May you trust your Higher Power that you
Are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities
That you are born of Faith.
May you use those gifts what you have received,
And pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing
That you are a child of God.
May Thy presence settle in thy bones,
And allow your soul the freedom to
Sing, dance, praise and love.
     Saint Teresa de Ávila (1515-1582)

This blessing is in absolute accordance with the themes common to both the preaching of my pious priest and the very relevant first chapter of the Big Book: “Bill’s Story” (pp.1-16).  The idea that “Faith without works [is] dead” resonates so powerfully with me in this moment of convergence that I must leave my own indelible mark on both the ecclesiastics learnt from my chaplain and the parochial piety of the “Program,” through rumination, reasoning and a reworking of this wide-eyed wisdom.

But, I’ve no talent in comparative literary analysis; or at least, I’ve not the time and energy to commit to such a studious examination of these separate texts and teachings.  I will however simply cite some single passages that cohere conveniently to this wisdom, and courageously collect my thoughts around the words I find most enlightened, revealing and inspirational.

I’ve already presented the text of the blessing of Saint Teresa de Ávila above, but I’d like to draw my readers’ attention (as mine was so drawn) to the specific sentiment similar to the revelatory “Faith” statements of Big Book Bill.  As the blessing rejoices, “May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you,” so Bill’s monstrance of a similar theme is told in his eloquent narrative, as such:

These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound

…the thought came [to me] that there were thousands of hopeless alcoholics who might be glad to have what had been so freely given me. Perhaps I could help some o them. They in turn might work with others.

My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that.

(Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition; pp.14-15)

Clearly this idea of “self-sacrifice for others” is the central paradigm of all that I have learnt from my priest, my sponsor, my program and “in the rooms” during the past six months of my sustained and assured sobriety. Reverend Father Stephen often preaches to me that the very real possibility of divine Salvation lies solely in the manifestation of our Faith through an imparting of that faith onto others and through a retelling, a sharing of the glory and love of God. 

In understanding the significance of these words and of the convergence of this common unifying thematic thread of wisdom in Faith, I find myself more readily willing to comply with the urgings and pleas of my sponsor to demonstrate my commitment to the Program through sustained, accountable action and service.

After the cycle of another six months of sobriety, I will soon be allowed to share my story (my “gifts”) in the Rooms, and I eagerly anticipate the opportunity I’ll have received to impact profoundly the lives and perspectives of others through an expression of my faith, love and trust in my Higher Power.  I have a story of such spiritual significance to share!!

And, I imagine that this exercise in rumination, reasoning and rewording of wisdom here and now will greatly influence the shape, structure and spirit of my message to others when the time comes for me to share my story.  I may even use the blessing by Saint Teresa as the prayer of my choosing to adjourn the meetings during which I eventually will share. God willing! And for now, Godspeed!

Respectfully submitted,
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard
San Francisco, CA USA
[2010.01.01@21:34PST]

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KINDNESS IN WORDS CREATES CONFIDENCE.
KINDNESS IN THINKING CREATES THE PROFOUND.
KINDNESS IN GIVING CREATES LOVE.
— Tao Te Ching

CONTENTMENT IS NOT THE FULFILLMENT

OF WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THE REALIZATION 

OF HOW MUCH YOU ALREADY HAVE.
— Anonymous

LIFE ISN’T ABOUT FINDING YOURSELF;
LIFE IS ABOUT CREATING YOURSELF.
— Anonymous