Rough Draft : Retelling My Ruination

I am a young gay man living with AIDS, who has already on numerous occasions fallen to the detriment and devastation of this horrifying disease. And, I am only 30 years old! This rough draft retelling of my ruination serves a specific intention: to catalog both the tender touching and terribly traumatic moments of my miserable mayhem, for the sake of both posterity and universal accessibility.

My intention here is to be brave and bold in the broad casting of my courage, contentment, and collected wisdom through written narrative, while refining my eloquence through an evocative enunciation of the eternal conflict and reconciliation between external/internal beauty and ulteriorly ultimate, indomitable integrity inspired by such doomsday devastation as disease(s) and disfigurement(s).

In late 2007, I was living a very isolated, lonely life... addicted to crystal meth and ignoring the obvious signs of the deterioration of my health, when I acquired PCP pneumonia (but didn't know it!), fell unconscious (for what my doctors now believe was between ten to twelve days!) alone in my stark, sterile studio apartment. Laying face down on my pillow in bed, I allowed eminently dangerous bacteria to enter my mouth through the constant streaming of saliva and drool that dripped from the curl of my lips and cheek.

At some point during my apparent coma, I was infected by a poly-microbial bacterial infection similar to, but much more destructive, aggressive and incurable than, say, MRSA (staph infection) or Gangrene. This bacterial infection invaded my face and began necrotizing the flesh and bone of my upper jaw, mouth and nose.

On October 7, 2007, I was found less than a few vacant steps away from death, by the San Francisco Fire Department, who came and busted down my door. I remember being woken by their inexorably loud pounding, so I peeled myself out of my urine- & blood-soaked sheets, in the daze of dying, and stumbled to the hallway that directly faced my front door. I saw the door collapse, the fire fighters and my property manager standing there calling my name. Then I in turn collapsed, fainted, again unconscious and was rushed to the hospital, where I remained in medically induced coma for eight weeks.

During this time, my doctors attempted to cure a pervasive PCP pneumonia, as well as the ultimately incurable bacterial infection in my face. While they succeeded in curbing the affects of the pneumonia, the heavy, heavy doses of antibiotics that they were injecting into me had no significant affect on the bacterial infection, which kept eating away at my face. Tragically, during the third week of my hospitalization, while i was still unconscious, my doctors were forced to amputate my entire upper jaw & palette, my upper and left lower lips, my left nostril and septum.

Five weeks later, I woke form the coma and was presented a mirror by a terribly awkward and forcibly compassionate student doctor. He told me to take it into my hands, directed me to lift the mirror above my head and to bring it down slowly, with calm and reserve, so that I wouldn't be too terribly "terrified." So, I did what he said.

I gazed through the mirror, first at the top of my head, where wisps of hair stuck out in all directions, noticed that it was getting long...longer than I had remembered it to be, and that it was pretty awfully disheveled. I brought the mirror down to my eyes and stared intently into them, begging to know what I was about to see, and then I slowly dragged the mirror down the length of my nose.

Before I had any chance to gasp for breath, I saw the start of it: my nose had been cut in half at it's tip; I could see inside of it. Suddenly, I experienced an astounding jolt of excitement, awe and curiosity in such a way that I had never experienced before; so, without fear, i continued to pull the mirror down the length of my distorted, disfigured face, and I saw the rest of it. From the edge of where my nose had been cut off, a large gaping hole obliterated, obscured and obstructed what were once the familiar features of my beautiful face and awkward, crooked smile.

I could see through to the back of my throat, to my uvula. I could see my tongue flinching hesitantly, reluctantly, with reserve, itching the few bottom teeth that remained. I realized just then that I had never once noticed nor recognized how gargantuan my tongue is: just a testament to how big my mouth once was, and still was just then.

I hated what I saw. It certainly intrigued me, but it horrified me very much just the same. So much so that I remained expressionless: my eyes void of emotion, as I continued to stare. I felt so many diverse, painful emotions in that one single instance, that I could not even bear to cry; however, the student doctor was determined that I should. He grabbed my hand and held it tightly, with angst and force; although, I did not want him to touch me. He explained the trauma I had experienced and stressed stoically that with modern advancements in the science and practice of plastic surgery, my face could...would...be restored.

I wouldn't, couldn't find the grace and courage and hope within myself to believe him, so I pulled my hand out of his and tenderly touched it to my my teeth and tongue, trembling. As if, with a single touch, I could denounce and defy the reality of my destruction. He noticed that no tears were coming out, and his eyebrows slumped downward in obvious concern. He said that he wouldn't leave my side until I cried. Almost whimpering, with a quivering lip and trembling eyes, suffering himself the agony of the moment, he desperately cajoled me: "You are supposed to cry, Matthew. What has happened to you... It's devastating."

I realized just then that I hated that word: "devastating," but that from that moment onward, it would be one of the only few words I could ever find to describe the full magnanimous force of the mayhem and misery that had befallen me. I was angry. I was puzzled. I was horrified. I was immensely, terribly, devastatingly saddened by what I saw staring back at me in that mirror: a ghastly, grotesque, gruesome grimace gone awry. And, I was very frustrated with this man who was just sitting there, watching me suffer, urging my suffering on, expecting me... asking me... telling me... to "CRY!!"

So, to appease and abet a little the young student doctor's dutiful determination and perhaps, in one way or another, to see if his sympathy was sincere, I let a tear tarry a second on the tip of my lashes, then drip down my swollen, scarred, scarlet cheek to fall into the chasm at the center of my face. And Goddammit! Then, do you know what he did? He immediately swiped the mirror from my tight grip, stoop up, began shuffling backward towards the door and muttered, "So, I guess we're done here. I'll check in on you tomorrow. Don't let this get you down, Matthew. Try to smile!" TRY TO SMILE!! That's what he said to me. The bastard! Then, he walked away, and I never saw him again. To this day, I don't know if I have ever hated anyone in one moment more than I hated that student doctor then.

It's been almost two years since my eight-month hospitalization came to an end. I eventually returned home, again to be isolated, alone in my studio apartment, where I began the tedious, depressive struggle of trudging onward through five consecutive surgical reconstructions, so far. My face is a tattered tapestry of flesh and bone taken from my lower left leg and hanging from my forehead. I'm currently awaiting with great anticipation my next surgery: "a division & revision of the left nasal flap," scheduled for January 4, 2010. Reconstructions will continue well into 2011, progressing at a steady six week pace if, and only if, I remain sober.

One redemptive aspect of my story: a "Saving Grace," per say, is that while my addiction resurfaced just after I returned home to isolation and to a $350.00USD baggy of crystal meth laying next to a dirty, used bulb-pipe at the center of my desk, I have fought long and hard to conquer this ulterior disease of drug dependency, ever since. As recent as July 14, 2009, I entered a ninety-day triple diagnoses residential rehabilitative recovery & transitional housing program called Ferguson Place, through Baker Places, Inc. of San Francisco.

Rehab was an immensely transformative, successful experience, and I have remained sober since graduating the program on October 11, 2009. I feel very secure in my recovery, thanks to my very strong support network, which includes doctors, surgeons, nurses, a psychiatrist, a therapist, a L.I.F.E. coach, a Care Navigator, a sponsor, friends, family and other sober members of my recovery community.

My concern during this tedious time of continuously tentative transformations, is the temptation that will doubtlessly seep through the walls of my studio apartment as I sit alone, day in and day out, in isolation. Isolation and inactivity can only lead to a progression of my disease(s). In fact, that is exactly what got me into the this predicament in the first place, I believe. Truth is: It's difficult for me to get up and get active, and to exercise with lots of strenuous motion, because I'm missing my left fibula.

The majority of the bone (save an inch & a half at either end, where the tendons and ligaments attach) was removed during my first extremely invasive, debilitating (although, quite successful!) maxillofacial reconstruction, only to be sawed, separated, screwed and secured to my face in an effort to recreate my upper jaw. So, I have a lot of trouble walking with stability and speed. I'm also only about five months clean and sober, as I alluded, previously.

For these reasons (and many more!), I am in need of the companionship and responsibility that comes with caring for a supportive service/assistance pet: in order to 1.) maintain sobriety, 2.) to get some exercise on a daily basis, and 3.) to venture out into the world, where I might encounter real people; instead of being always shut up at home.

The next two years of reconstructions are going to be long and arduous, but I maintain hope, determination and ambition. I'm looking forward to going back to school to get my Master's in Social Work (MSW), as well as either an NPA Professional Certificate (Non-Profit Administration) from U.C. Berkeley, or an only Master's in Nonprofit Management (MNM) from Regis University (based out of Boulder, Colorado). I intend to fully utilize all the various resources at my disposal as a resident of San Francisco, California, such as benefits I expect will be awarded to me by the Department of Rehabilitation: a state-run bureaucratic social services division that funds eduction and training for disabled peoples whom are aiming to return to work.

I am fully committed to positively impacting my community through expressions of compassion, courage, empathy & autobiography. I anticipate the moment when I am able and invited to share my story with the broader recovery community, to down my mask and recount the wretched horrifying lowdown depths to which addiction can thrust someone with utmost turbulence, and without the slightest pause in consideration of one's imminent trepidation and trauma.

For now, I practice my telling narrative nearer to the people, passed along via the ebbing, flowing tide of cyberwaves, broadcasting my story to the world here via this dynamic social media infrastructure in the off chance that some solitary sober someone may stumble out of the "ROOMS" and into my "WORDS," before I sound off for once on my own back where we both are bound to face my face, face-to-face, together. C'est à dire, « dans des SALLES!! » At which point, I will always end in saying, "Thank you for your acceptance. Thank you for listening. Next time, I'll be sure to bring some lil' smoked sausages to go with those NUTS!!" ;oP

Respectfully submitted,
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard
San Francisco, CA USA
[MDB2009.12.06@19:31]

30TH Birthday BASH!! (Flickr®)

This has been very slow in the making, given the tedium of scribing 56 or so individual captions and cutting/cropping even more photos than you'd first expect from a birthday celebration, but it was a time to be celebrated. To introduce my Flickr® Photostream™ Slide Show below, I'll simply say that I am blessed to have been able to celebrate my 30TH birthday with such pomp & circumstance.

It was a celebration of pure decadence and lavish living, for a newly sober sane man, leaving behind his old face and his youth for a future filled with promise, potential and profound friendships. From the bottom of my heart, I thank every person who came to Ferguson Place on September 18th, 2009 to celebrate with me my birthday. I will always keep these memories dear to my heart! God bless you all as he has blessed me!!



The evening certainly did not begin with the lighting of the candles and the cutting of the cake, but I thought that framing these photos first would at least be a good introduction, with the bright bold thirty candles and all the sprinkles to shots of me slicing and serving.

Then we were in the kitchen for eats, and from there it's pretty much chronologic: the photo display. Next came the opening of the gifts, and boy, were they a delight!! My favorites (and I mean no harping on the lesser than gifts for being "oh, lesser than!" -- Just Kidding, of course!) have got to be the black and white OldNavy™ bamboo-rayon scarf I got from my nurse from UCSF 360: The Positive Care Center, Patrick F.; my bright royal blue SNUGGIE® from Timothy V., a Ferguson Place alum; and my box o'condoms from Thomas C., a previous graduate from Ferguson Place who was a client for about 2/3 the time I was there!! What a great surprise they all were!! Thanks guys!

But the one person I have to thank above anyone else is my sponsor, Jeffrey J., who I was linked to through John Olesen, MA: my Shanti L.I.F.E. Coach. To my great fortunate, Jeffrey J. just happens to be a very talented professional pastry chef, king of Cakedom® and an all around amazing person. I'm a really lucky kid to have him as my first sponsor in any 12-Step Program. He's been sober for over 5 years, and stays sane and stable by devoting his life to service, mostly baking cakes from original recipes for his closest friends' (and he's got a lot of them!) sobriety birthdays.

Jeffrey, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for investing so much of your time into baking me such a decadent chocolate cake, but mostly for all the strength of spirit and teaching you will bring into my life as months and years go on. Thank you for letting me into your life, even though it may not be easy for you sometimes. I look forward to working with you!!

God's GRACE & GRATITUDE... My "Unintended Teachers!"

As was my practice after last week's FERGUSON PLACE Client Council presentation of our thoughts on "FUN!," I now present my written response to the most recent "Theme o'da Week:" GRATITUDE!

I began the process of expressing my thoughts on this hefty, weighty word as I would have started any writing practice in my journal: very off the cusp & spontaneously. My initial impulse was positive: to somehow relate my own personal gratitude directly to God's GRACE, as it is within the scope and grandeur of his love that I survive. Above all, I am grateful to be alive!! And, I only have The Lord My God to thank for that.

But somehow, the writing exercise turned into a rather pompous expression of my arrogance and self-importance as such relates to my historically weak and unstable relationship with and impression of my parents (all four of them, in fact!).


In the original opening to my essay on gratitude, which is presented in the closing of this particular post, I bereaved and berated my parents & guardians for what I presumed to be their unjustifiably "human imperfections and sin," while arguing that I was & still am, in fact, closer to God "in virtue & in practice," because of all the torment and admonishments I fell victim to as a closeted queer youth.

This was surely the wrong way to approach this exercise of contemplation, introspection and self-expression. It was indeed oxymoronic and largely hypocritical for me to begin to reveal my thoughts on "GRATITUDE" by holding in and expressing outward such stolid, stubborn, senseless resentment toward those three or four people who raised me. I'm a decent person; although, I have experienced immense suffering. But still, my parents must have done as best they could, because I turned out pretty well; I think.

So, that said... Allow me to present to my readers the text on GRATITUDE that I wrote for and presented to the clients & staff at FERGUSON PLACE of Baker Places, Inc. The "YOU" that I mention repeatedly in this essay refers to all the members of my Recovery Community: past, present & future. May they all know how grateful I am for their support, acceptance and understanding!! Read on...

As an young, impressionable adolescent or from very early on in my childhood even, I would often cry myself to sleep in anger & resentment, beseeching the Lord my God to save me from my suffering or simply screaming, "SCREW YOU!" when all I heard from him was silence.

As an adult, more conscious & aware of my myriad of divine virtues & blessings, I often find myself thanking God for all the goodness... the greatness, that he has brought into my life, even despite the immense tragedies I have lived through as a gay, HIV/AIDS+, drug dependent and miserably isolated twenty-something in San Francisco.

Now, at my first glimpse of growth, change, progress, blessings & beatitude, I immediately express my gratitute to the the Lord God through prayer & meditation. Today, I define my gratitude in practice, prayer & study under my spiritual guide in Faith: my chaplain—my priest—who happens to be wise enough and so secure in his identity & in his human nature that he graciously invites challenges & arguments contrary to the teachings he preaches in homily. We dialogue on Faith, and debate is welcome, but together, in union, we praise God; we thank God, and we worship God.


I am grateful for his presence and for the presence of so many other "unintended teachers" in my life, from whom I learn more about myself, about my addiction, and about my path toward Salvation, Enlightenment and toward the fulfillment of my true potential every waking day.

The unintended, unsuspecting teachers in my life are numerous; in fact, they are so numerous that I could never possibly name them all at once. Some are friends. Some are family. Some are providers. Some are in this room. And, some even are total strangers. They...NO! YOU. You all teach me, often through no fault or intention of your own, how NOT to live and how BEST to live.

That is to say... In the best of circumstances or by the random chance of luck, some anonymous but mightily virtuous soul will, in simple acts of «politesse,» righteousness, concern, sympathy, compassion or even in strong solemn silent stillness when faced with his own great trepidation or tribulation—poised solid, upright in unrelenting tenacity & perseverance, demonstrate to me how to live & act like him: in virtue, in «noblesse d'esprit,» in the GRACE of GOD...

I am grateful to be part of the Recovery Community, for it is within the reach of its embrace that I have found strangers who've become teachers, who've become friends or even as close as family. I am grateful to have such a patient, caring, empathetic sponsor! I am grateful to have each of you, the clients & staff of FERGUSON PLACE, in my life for all your amazing virtues and for having accepted me so lovingly and without question or hesitation.

It is as part of this community that I am constantly able & welcome (if not entirely expected!) to gain new perspectives on my life and on my addiction, on my strengths & potential, and on my deficits, as well. Thanks to these new relationships which I have cultivated in the last 65 days (or even since my illness & injury in 2007), I have been able to discover my many virtues. Or, should I say, "RE-DISCOVER...?"'

Thanks to all of you, I have been able to believe in myself again, and to trust in myself and in others anew. Thank you a thousand times; thank you!!


Once upon a time, a quarter-life ago, I relied on my faith in God and on my faith in God's faith in & love for me, to strengthen and sustain my own faith in myself. Today, I can't say that I haven't asked the difficult questions: the quandaries & conundrums, the "whys & wherefores" of my immense suffering—"How could God have let this happen to me?" OR "What did I do to deserve this misery & misfortune?"

But today, I can say that I am grateful not to have had these questions answered. Not knowing, not constantly demanding a rational reason for all things wrong in my life and wrong in the world, mitigates my doubt in a higher power and reinforces my faith—FULL CIRCLE! For that, I am grateful...

The morning after I read this essay to the residents of FERGUSON PLACE at our Client Council Meeting, I offered to escort an impassioned, progressive, politico-blogger (a recovering addict & one of my 4 roommates!) to a treatment appointment, and while we were on the bus headed to the same agency for two different reasons, he remarked on his impressions of my writing style.

First, he asked what I studied at university, so I told him: French Literature & Theatre Arts. And he just chuckled and said, "Yeah, I figured you were into something like that. You're writing style is incredible; it's almost like poetic prose." I synopsize some, but you get the gist, right?

He was paying me a compliment, so I thanked him and continued to listen to him rant vivaciously about all the bullshit comments he gets from whacked-out Republicans on his blog postings, amongst others. I don't use his exact words here, so no quotation marks; but, you catch the drift, right? HEHEHE. He's a good guy. His verve and passion is refreshing, and I appreciated his feedback. What he had to say was nice to hear. YET....

Even after being complimented in person, directly, on my writing style and on what I had to say, I feel obliged to demonstrate the prevalent, preposterous weaknesses of my written essays by presenting now the original introduction to my thoughts on GRATITUDE, which I previously mentioned at the start of this post. Here's a sample of my serious preoccupation with self-aggrandizement... Take it for what it's worth: a load of bologna!! Here goes...

As a young, impressionable adolescent or from very early on in my childhood even, I was always ever so intrigued & impassioned by the traditions of my Faith. Even when i was forced to battle the demons & devastation of my own deviant sexuality that seemed forced upon me by my heartless, insensitive peers, I found solace in the timeless practices of my religion: prayer, confession, genuflection, the Sign Of The Cross, etc.

My mother, father & stepfather (even his next wife!), who were by no means stalwart exemplars of true Catholic virtue, would still shuffle me off to church every Sunday in obedience of the saintly stricture of the "Good Catholic Family." But, there was always such an unconscionable opposition between their very human imperfections & sin and the virtuous path preached to me so often by priests.

So much so that i knew from a very young age that my parents' behaviors, lifestyles, ideas & perspectives were more often than not always misguided, ignorant, prejudiced and distant from & dismayed by the true potential of their own earthly Salvation. I, being the selfless victim of constant torment & ridicule, admonitions & condemnations for my queerness, seemed, on the other hand, closer to Christ in virtue & in practice.

However, i must be honest here and admit without shame or regret my own imperfections. YES! During the most trying times in my life: periods of isolation, abandonment, illness, pain, suffering and doubt, which seem to repeat cyclically in perpetuum for me every odd number of years, I often found myself questioning God's love for me & questioning the motives behind the many manifestations of torment & tribulation I've so often suffered through in my life.

I'll leave you with that to ponder, hoping that you will not be encouraged by this pithy, petty, perturbed state of mind to think that I am any less of a person for it. Doubt is a devious, disgusting reality of Human Nature. Questions are born of FREE WILL—from that first bite of fruit off the Tree of Knowledge.

I am a faithful, humble servant of the Lord, grateful to be alive and blessed so immensely and in so many unique ways. Just as my "unintended teachers" are numerous in my life, so are my Guardian Angels!!


But, trust me! I don't take them for granted. I'm pretty sure that I'm on my last life here... God willing! And, I'm committed to doing and making the best with it in the end, as I intend to demonstrate with this public account of my life's story day by day.

Winston Churchill once said, "If you ever find yourself in Hell, just keep going!" How profound a statement!! I've heard it four times from four different people in two days. That must mean something special! What do you think? LMK. K? Tootles for now! Godspeed...

BTW, I hope to see some of you at my birthday party tomorrow!! Don't forget! I'm a bitch to buy for, for I expect only the best, most sentimental and touching gifts of...YES! GRATITUDE... and good fortune! Keep 'em coming! Thanx y'all...

Gratefully yours, :P
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard
San Francisco, CA 94109-7821
[MDB2009.09.17@2:35PMPST]

"Starscapes & Typography" [no.# 5-6]

Keeping with my practice of regularly posting my original nameplate illustrations, once they are complete & scanned into my computer, I'd like to present two new additions to my "STARSCAPES & TYPOGRAPHY" series. In presenting these design illustrations, I'd like also to speak briefly of the persons for which my art was designed, because it is often these recipients who have had and continue to have a profound impact on my life today. They deserve the gift of art, and I hope that they will cherish these works & display them with pride to their friends and family.

First, I feel rather obliged to speak my sobering thoughts of underlying shame and regret that presently inhibit my relationship with the recipient of this first name plate (of whom my readers have already heard plenty of thoughts & impressions from me in past posts to my blog): WALLACE (WES) SMITH.

"STARSCAPES & TYPOGRAPHY [no.#5] : WALLACE (WES) SMITH"
©2009 QHereKidSF | Matthew Blanchard | San Francisco, CA USA

You see, as I am presently residing in a substance abuse recovery facility and am overwhelmed by a very full schedule of day treatment and evening meeting, as well as by the additional work I do as a volunteer for the new international development nonprofit of which my best friend, Peter Maybarduk, is Acting Director & Vice-President of the Board: IPPSL | International Professional Partnerships for Sierra Leone, Inc. (http://www.ippsl.org/ - Site Under Construction!).

The last few (or maybe even many) times I've written hangout time with WES into my schedule, I have often invited him back to my apartment to meet me there for fun and entertainment: a good time. But, shame on me! I have more often than not in the last few weeks failed to pay WES any attention, as I've been consumed with work on the computer & internet (specifically, for my nonprofit).

I have apologized repeatedly to WES for my inexcusable refusal to pay him any attention or to enjoy his company when he is here to support me in my time of transition and need, but apologies only go so far, before someone gets fed up with waiting for things to change and to receive what's due to them: respect! So, here I am telling on myself...disclosing my terrible behavior and promising to make a change and to make amends!!

I have every intention of dropping all other commitments, be they treatment or nonprofit work related, this coming Thursday, in order to give WES my full attention, so that we are able to enjoy our time together. And so that, he does not feel that I am taking him for granted. I cherish our friendship and all that he has sacrificed to send so much compassion, understanding and patience my way. I don't want to lose his support; that's for sure! So, things will change! Thursday, we'll do something special to entertain ourselves; I promise that as I state it here for the record. And rest assured! I will be sharing this blog post with WES, as soon as it has been published.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

The recipient of my sixth STARSCAPES & TYPOGRAPHY nameplate illustration is a particularly robust and respectful man of faith who splits his professional time between Substance Abuse Treatment Counseling at Ferguson Place of Baker Places, Inc. and his service as a preacher for a small, liberal, progressive, culturally diverse Baptist Church not to far away from our facility on Divisadero Street. I'm sorry, at this time, I do not recall the name of his church, but will come back to this post and add it to the text here once I find out this information from one Rev. KEENAN R. BRANNER.

"REVERENCE & STARSCAPES [no.#1] : KEENAN R. BRANNER (Rev.)"
©2009 QHereKidSF | Matthew Blanchard | San Francisco, CA USA

I designed KEENAN's nameplate on paper with different proportions & measurements than my previous designs, so in order to distinguish this my most recent illustration, I've given it a unique title: "REVERENCE & STARSCAPES: Keenan R. Branner (Rev.)," completed only this morning after almost two months of slow but not at all tedious work. I hope he (as well as all of my followers) enjoys this design. I'm quite proud of it. He asked for a crucifix, and that is what I gave him!! What do you all think of this pencil drawing? Any ideas for the next nameplates I create?? I'd like to try something new with each additional illustration I do, so suggestions for innovation and change would be greatly appreciated. Thanks & Enjoy!!

Respectfully submitted,
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard
San Francisco, CA 94109
[MDB2009.09.14@09:45PST]

Sixty Days Sober, Sanity & Surgery The Seventh Chakra: Sahasrara

Introducing my first foray into video-blogging!! I'd like to post the following video in honor of my 60th day of sobriety, September 11th (God bless the 2,993 lives lost on that infamous, tragic day eight years ago!), my sanity, my pearl & sapphire stone birthday celebration, my surgery (soon to come!) and my seventh chakra: Sahasrara – "The Thousand Petalled Lotus" – signifying supreme consciousness & connection to the cerebral, spiritual and concrete world.

I won't do much writing here, besides to say that I'm a lil' frustrated with my webcam movie maker, because its somehow configured only to record one 10 minute segment of video at a time (a requirement for YouTube uploads). Coincidentally, my minutes sped to an abrupt end right at the single second after I say in such a straightforward, matter of fact way, something of the sort: "I just have an ugly face." Period. And, then the screen stops and skips backward to the first frame for a replay.

I meant for that comment to be followed by a shrug of the shoulders and a sardonic slap to my screwy smile, so that single statement would not be taken so seriously. So, remember that, when watching!! I don't think I'm ugly, really. Really, I know I'm beautiful ... especially, where it counts: on the inside!! And, that I hope is demonstrated by my provocative video performance & storytelling. Here, just watch! ...

©2009 Matthew Blanchard | San Francisco, CA USA

This video was recorded using the HP MediaSmart Webcam & on my new HP Pavilion dv4-1435dx Entertainment Notebook PC. Please be aware that this video and all original photos, pictures, images, audio & video posted to this blog is legally copyrighted to the author; therefore, you are prohibited by law from copying, distributing, manipulating, rendering, altering, editing, selling, posting or making public all copyrighted works without explicit written permission from the author/owner. Thank you for respecting these terms of use. Please enjoy! And, be prepared for more to come...

THE SEVENTH CHAKRA

WHEN KUNDALINI SHAKTI UNITES WITH SHIVA
AT HIS ABODE AT THE SAHASRARA,
THE THOUSAND PETALLED LOTUS UNFOLDS.

There are seven chakras, or vortices of energy, in the subtle body, located along the spine. Each of them has different functions and certain attributes assigned to them. The Sahasrara is the seventh chakra located at the crown of the head, depicted with a thousand petals. Its physical counterpart is the human brain.

The kundalini shakti, the creative life energy, lies dormant at the first plexus, the Muladhara, at the base of the spine. When she is awakened through meditation practices, she begins her journey up the spinal column, purifying and stabilizing all the chakras, until one day she reaches Lord Shiva, who resides at the Sahasrara.

With the Divine Union of Shiva and Shakti, the thousand petals bloom and rejoice. The yogi's samskaras (imprints and tendencies) are eliminated. He or she is liberated. Self-realization, the goal of all spiritual practices, is achieved. Nirvana consciousness becomes the yogi's permanent state.

©2009 Chandi Devi | Sahasrara - The Seventh Chakra:
The Thousand Petalled Lotus | Suite101.com (2009.09.11)

FERGUSON PLACE Recovery: Theme o'da Week = "FUN!"

Since July 14, I have been on hiatus from posting regularly to my blog, because I have been temporarily preoccupied and drawn into relative seclusion as a client of Baker Places, Inc. | FERGUSON PLACE, a residential substance abuse recovery & transitional housing program in San Francisco, California.

My treatment in recovery is going very well. As of today, I am 59 days clean and sober and will be celebrating a very significant milestone for recovering addicts tomorrow: my two month anniversary or 60 days of sobriety! Quite an accomplishment; seeing as how difficult it had been for me to achieve even more than two weeks of clean time before FERGUSON.

I wish I would have had the time and impetus and motivation...or wherewithal...to commit to regularly posting to my blog during the last two months, but I have been so engulfed in the constant processing of my "program" and so determined to stay focused on recovery, in order to make it work this time for good, that I have found myself rather incapable of translating all of this process(ing) into written words. I haven't been able to journal even until recently, and that's only because it's been demanded of me that I do so at least one a week.

You see, there's two great ladies (Katie & Martha) who manage FERGUSON PLACE, as Program Director & Asst. Program Director, respectively. And, about three weeks ago, they introduced a new exercise which was intended to ignite and empower clients to focus and give thought to a certain theme for each week. We were handed spiral notebooks, fancy pens, and a blank piece of paper upon which we were to write a single word relevant to the recovery process.

Then each Wednesday night at "Client Council" (one of two mandatory meetings of all twelve residents of the house and at least two to four staff representatives), we now randomly select one of these pieces of paper with an important word on them to serve then as the theme to be considered (and to drive or inspire our actions in recovery) for the next seven days.

Yesterday, Wednesday (09/09/09), was our time to share our thoughts on last week's "Theme o'da Week," which was the ubiquitous, short, sweet and simple word, "FUN!" Unlike many of the current clients at FERGUSON, I took my consideration of this theme very seriously and finally was able to sit down and write more than a few words into my journal (which I am now posting here on my blog for all of my followers to read)...

I had anticipated great amusements in the week to follow this simple, sultry, vivacious word being drawn at random form our bowl o'themes o'da week, but BOY! were my ambitions to entertain myself during these last seven days dreadfully dashed!

Truth is...I've been very busy. So busy, in fact, that I have been regularly absent from house/program activities, which is unusual, as you (my fellow residents) should know. I've been so busy, so absent even that I failed to complete my weekly schedule in time for it to be approved by my primary counselor by our Saturday evening deadline; and, even though I've repeatedly reported a change of income to program management, I've failed both to deliver the appropriate documentation confirming this change and to pay my program fees on time.

For goodness' sake! It's 09/09/09, and I still haven't delivered a check to Katie or Martha. That's just wrong! And, it's absolutely no "FUN" to feel beholden to someone in that way, due to my own lack of drive, of initiative and due to my apparent inability to manage my time and priorities well.

See, I've been occupied with extensive day treatment programming and with even more demanding volunteer obligations to my nonprofit. I have a very full schedule each day of the week, which allows only limited time for me to break my focus away form my recovery work and my nonprofit work, in order to let myself be distracted by inadvertently exciting incidences of quote/unquote "FUN" : TYPICAL, RAMBUNCTIOUS, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FUNAMBULISM & TOMFOOLERY!!

But, I'd like to counter resolutely the seemingly persistent theme of "absence of ME, hence absence of FUN" by stating now for the record, and with determined poise & assurance, that I am at least "ENJOYING" my time here at FERGUSON and in the recovery community. In addition, I greatly enjoy the volunteer work that keeps me so busy. In general, ... all things considered! ... I'm highly satisfied with my state of affairs. So, THEN WHAT??

—Well, what it comes down to is whether or not we've imposed a definitive distinction between "FUN" as "entertainment" and "FUN" as "enjoyment." I think that were there no distinction, if enjoyment, appreciation and satisfaction of my daily responsibilities and activities does indeed define as "FUN" (quote/unquote!), then indeed I am rightfully, righteously riding the ubiquitous wave of "wonderful!"

However, if fun defines as a momentary loosening of my chin strap or ankle chain, or if it is understood as "freedom from the feigning, straining focus of the frontal lobe:" BRAIN DRAIN! and a lil'better than bad behavior; a resignation or renunciation of responsibility for the sake of saving one's self from perpetual, stubbornly sustained seriousness, then even then I have to say that "FUN" is not entirely absent from my life; although, it may not be all too apparent!

YES! I have to make a more concerted effort to entertain myself, to be a lil'wild, to stray from the straight & narrow sometimes. But, right now, today, it's the "STRAIGHT & NARROW" that keeps me safe, sane and sober!! I say, "FUN! Bring it on!" But, not at the risk of changing my pace and direction, or even reversing all the positive changes I've made in my life since entering into recovery.

Recovery can be fun, for sure! I've been witness to great amounts of joviality, conviviality, congeniality, kindness, humor and enjoyment of life, after having begun to attend regular CMA meetings with my new sponsor: Jeffrey J., a big time CMA guru, the Secretary General of the District Council of Northern California Crystal Meth Anonymous Fellowship, who knows almost everyone at every meeting I go to; which is good for me, because I get to be introduced to at least four or five new recovery compatriots at each meeting I attend with him.

And recovering addicts certainly know how to have fun, or so it seems. In fact, I believe it's just something you have to learn to do all over again in new ways that don't lead you to drugs and alcohol, once you enter recovery. Many of us are starting from miles behind everyone else in this endeavor.

Fortunately, I haven't been an addict my whole life, and I was blessed as an adolescent, teenager and young adult to have learned ways to entertain myself and enjoy my time sober; even if most of that time was devoted to school work and extracurricular activities. No wonder I have this strong propensity for devoting myself to the "process" of recovery and volunteerism; because, it's something that I enjoy, and I have fun doing it.

So, that's that! There you go! My final thoughts on FUN! The next "Theme o'da Week" is GRATITUDE, of which my sponsor believes I should have a strong understanding. In fact, when we check in by phone everyday, he always asks me what I'm grateful for that day.

So be prepared, OH MIGHTY BLOGOSPHERE!! I should have lots to say come Wednesday of next week (09/16/09) about how I have incorporated GRATITUDE into my life during this coming week. One thing I know for sure is that I am awfully grateful to be alive and to be sober and to be involved with a good cause. More on that later! Ciao for now!

Respectfully submitted,
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF

Matthew D. Blanchard
c/o FERGUSON PLACE
BAKER PLACES, INC.
1249 Scott Street
San Francisco, CA 94115
+1 (415) 885-9306 (temp)

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TODAY, I WILL LET MYSELF HAVE SOME FUN WITH LIFE.
I WILL LOOSEN UP A BIT, KNOWING I WON'T CRACK & BREAK.
GOD, HELP ME LET GO OF MY NEED TO BE SO INHIBITED, PROPER,
AND REPRESSED. HELP ME INJECT A BIG DOSE OF LIFE INTO
MYSELF BY LETTING MYSELF BE FULLY ALIVE AND HUMAN.
— Unknown

"Starscapes & Typography" [no.# 4]

Adding to my recently posted collection of name designs & doodles in pencil, I've included (below) my newest design of "STARSCAPES & TYPOGRAPHY" [no.#4]: WALLACE (WES) SMITH—a redesign of my SHANTI volunteer's full name.

I was a bit disappointed with my first design for Wes (see previous post), because of the rather disjointed, unharmonious shape of his formal first name (WALLACE). I saw the design as too distracting, confusing and in a way, down right ugly, but I liked the starscape and arrows of that design.

So, I set out to re-conceptualize the design of Wes's first name, so that it would be more appealing to the eye; whil, as best I could, duplicating the overall aesthetic of the starscape & arrows. Here's the sketch, below!!:

I believe that I succeeded with this second design at creating a more powerful, compelling composition; even though, it's not perfectly centered or straight on the paper. What do you think? Any thoughts on how the design could be improved?

Wes, himself, seems to really enjoy the second design and appreciates the fact that I went through the trouble of revising the design for him in the first place. He says that he is going to post it on his work office bulletin board for all his colleagues to admire and to be reminded of me every time he looks at it, just in passing by. Aww! How sweet & sentimental!! I'm touched.

I'm proud of my work and am glad that Wes can share in that pride so enthusiastically. He's such a great guy! Now, I just need to decide whose name I will design next; I'll probably design my best friend's name: PETER MAYBARDUK. Because he totally deserves a gift for being such an amazing friend to me for almost 12 years. He's another amazing person!

I won't beg for feedback on this blog entry, like I always do, because I feel pretty confident about the design and don't necessarily need its success to be reinforced to me by random strangers. I happy with Wes's reaction; that's all that I need to be satisfied with my art work. But, if you want to offer some feedback as I have mentionned, please do so! I always am working to improve my doodles and to eventually one day begin to create real art! Thank you for even gazing upon this sketch of mine for Wes Smith, my SHANTI Volunteer. I appreciate having a space where I can exhibit my work, and will continue to do so in the future. Thanks! Cheers! Ciao! Peace Out! Namaste...

Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard
San Francisco, CA 94109-7821
[MDB2009.06.18@08:28PMPST]

STUDY TRACK: Trans-Queer Art of Drag!!

The following is text of a journal entry I recently uploaded to my Last.fm profile, in response to revelations I had had upon listening to CHICK POP!! (Kelly Clarkson Radio) for the first time on this internet radio service. The POP DIVA music that was played to me when I entered "Kelly Clarkson" (and eventually "Madonna") as play topics in the radio station configuration widget ignited in me a deep, spontaneous desire to expound upon my penchant and proclivity for all things DRAG!! Please read this journal entry, and offer some feedback!!

Let me know what you think about my idea to study DRAG PERFORMANCE at the graduate level, and to begin my studies before applying to graduate school with extensive field research in San Francisco and in other locales where there might be a thriving experimental queer performance circuit. I imagine a career teaching & directing young, budding drag princes & princesses, and progressively developing a solid, critical theory & history & aesthic of the art of DRAG PERFORMANCE. It sounds like a righteous, awesome plan to me!! But, the question is...can I turn it into a graduate or post-graduation educational track and an eventual profession? And can I get funding to study such an avant-garde, alternative, peripheral form of art?

PLAYLISTS: ponderances of prettily
pontificated pleasure listening...
[ Last.fm JOURNAL Entry : 06.16.09 ]

Early this morning (or was it late last night? — I DON'T CARE!! I don't know!!), I randomly found myself linked to Last.fm on my computer, just listening for pleasure and to be introduced to new musical artists, as I sketched away in my drawing book and diary. I had nothing to do after reaching a moment of pause in my doodling, so I sat down to record tags and playlist (v.) certain songs that I had been listening to on the random, fagottry "flame-boi-ant-lee" FIERCE station "Artist - Kelly Clarkson Radio."

See, I enjoy Kelly Clarkson. At least, I am fond of her debut album, which I had previously purchased from the iTunes Store for my music library and to which I have listened avidly and with pleasure recently. So, I thought that I would enjoy songs by various artists similar to Kelly Clarkson, and essentially (vaguely?), I did.

What's so poignantly perturbing about this inclination of mine to listen to CHICK POP!! (or what I have called "LA LA Lady" POP!!), is that these songs awaken in me my deep-seeded interest in and penchant for the trans-queer experimental performance art of DRAG!! All the songs that I listened to tonight, and especially the ones that I added to my new playlist, are perfect for a budding drag princess musical performance repertoire.

As I am no longer beautiful enough a boy to "trans-form" my fabulosity into a FIERCE "Fagged-Out Funambulist Freak Show" drag diva dreaming, because I have lost my face after a terribly traumatic illness and injury to the face: a necrotizing bacterial infection (i.e., Gangrene!!) that led subsequently to the amputation and ongoing craniofacial reconstructions of my mouth, nose and upper jaw, I can no longer dream of becoming a drag diva one day.

But I can and do dream of becoming what I like to think would be an objective, outside expert on the study of EXPERIMENTAL QUEER PERFORMANCE (i.e., drag!!), it's AESTHETICS and its HISTORY; its COMMON PRACTICES & CANONICAL DEFINING ELEMENTS; and eventually discovering/creating a theory behind it all!!

This is a dream that I can still pursue, even to a graduate/post-graduate level of study, to receive a PhD in Performance Studies and to teach DRAG at the M.F.A. Level. A significant component of my dream accomplished would be to open a B.F.A./M.F.A. Drag Performance Conservatory where accomplished older drag queens who have succeeded in stretching the boundaries of their art and in creating a variety of memorable personae act as master teachers, training young gay (or straight!! yes, of course, straight!!) men in the practice of the art of drag performance: vocal technique, lipsyncing, dance, costuming, wig design/maintenance, makeup design, character development, history, aesthetics, experimentation, defining your own art, etc... The school could also be geared toward lesbian or straight women interested in pursuing the art of the Drag King!!


Here's an example of premier Experimental Queer Performance (DRAG!!) from the San Francisco Bay Area's ultimate drag performance phenomenon: Trannyshack!! HEKLINA is a mega-star in San Francisco!! Wow! It'd be a dream to study with her for a couple of months, and to really get acquainted with her performance style and technique, maybe even eventually helping her rediscover and redefine some of her aesthetic, to make it all more theatrical, professional, performative (instead of just kitsch, like you see here in this video!) But, "kitsch" is popular!! It's what works! I wouldn't want to change anything that works well, maybe just enhance it or at least study it in depth. The theories & practices that I will develop in this course of study will ultimately transcend the kitsch & camp, and will be true, genius art. That's my dream! And Heklina would be a great partner in crime for this adventure: a dream diva to work with!!

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
These songs that I have listened to: CHICK POP!! are perfect songs for the contemporary drag repertoire. For now, before ever thinking of going back to school to study DRAG, I should start by conducting independent field work on my own, interviewing drag queens in the San Francisco Bay Area and afar, learning their techniques for developing character, examining their personal endeavors at training themselves, because no school really exists yet, and learning about the dynamic of the drag diva/princess mentoring relationship.

I could feasibly write some articles for scholarly journals about the art of drag and about my observations based on extensive independent field study and get published before applying to grad school. This would only help the acceptance process and prime me for admittance to only the best, topnotch Performance Study PhD programs in the country (particularly, the local UCBerkeley program, or the NYU Tisch School Program, or the Northwestern Program, or a program at UCLA—but I think Berkeley would be most accepting toward this route of study!!).

I definitely can get access to a number of San Francisco Bay Area drag queens (the most reputed, widely acclaimed and celebrated, and the most successful) for interviews and such, via Facebook and connections I have to the Imperial Court of San Francisco and to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Inc. This would not be difficult; it would only take initiative and courage on my part to face my fears of interacting with new people despite my disfigurement and despite the fact that I wear a mask. But, for sure! This would give me something constructive to do during the in between time before and after my subsequent reconstruction surgeries.

All this thought about my desires to study DRAG PERFORMANCE stems directly from this "Artist - Kelly Clarkson Radio" that I was listening to on Last.fm. All of these wonderful female pop sensations that I discovered just listening to this brand of music has opened my mind to so many possibilities.

I could even think about dabbling in direction of drag personae, working with budding or seasoned drag queens to refine and redefine their personae and the style of their performance, for the sake of aesthetic enhancement of their performances. And I could feasibly organize a evening of drag performances directed and choreographed by myself and other talented drag queens or professionals and debut it at the supperclub san francisco [ S© ], a contemporary, chic dining and performance space in the South of Market District of Downtown San Francisco, reputed for hosting the Beneficiary Awards Reception of FOLSOM STREET EVENTS® each year, for the past three years. It'd be a perfect space for something like that! What a great idea! It would just take a lot of work, and a large following of committed drag queens!! You think I could do it? I wonder...

Tonight, I also completed my POP ALTERNATIVE MALE VOCALISTS playlist, so that it includes just enough playable tracks and individual artist to be playable itself on Last.fm. Now, I should be able to call this playlist up to be played on my Blogger® Page: http://qherekidsf.blogspot.com/, where I have a Last.fm widget in my right-hand sidebar. In fact, that is how I discovered Last.fm...through Blogger® gadgets.

And finally, I also edited the Last.fm P!nk biography to include playable tracks, links to artists' pages and an END NOTE on the super queer-fabulous friendship between P!nk and Ellen Degeneres. I wrote of how P!nk's appearances on the ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW have only served to promote (if not cement?) P!nk's stardom and pop celebrity. I cited the fact that P!nk was one of the only musical artist to be selected to perform at Ellen's 50th birthday party. And how P!nk debuted ELLEN's "Bathroom Concert Series" with a duet rendition of "So What." Here's a YouTube video of that performance:


Wasn't that just great to watch!! Their friendship is such a reward and a remark on the power and pomposity of the queer community!! They are both such stalwart advocates of equality for all!! And their friendship is magical, helping to define both of their celebrities. That was my final bit of contribution to Last.fm this morning, and that is where I will end this journal entry.

Please respond with comments, feedback and shoutbacks!! I'm always interested in hearing from followers of my blog and journals to see if there's any apparent way that my perspective on things might change because of what I learn from others. That's how it works for me! It's about give and take... So please give a little bit of comment on what I've discussed here as my drag diva deuteronomous dreamings!! Thanks!! And I look forward to next time... Cheers! Ciao! Namaste!

Respectfully submitted,
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard
San Francisco, CA 94109-7821
[MDB2009.06.16@06:43PST]

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IF ONE ADVANCES CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION
OF HIS DREAMS, AND ENDEAVORS TO LIVE THE LIFE
HE HAS IMAGINED, HE WILL MEET WITH A SUCCESS
UNEXPECTED IN COMMON HOURS.
— Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

So what do you think of all of this? It's a far off thought that I pontificated on in journal form for my Last.fm audience, so that I could share it with all of my blog followers now. It's a unique thought, this idea of mine! What I didn't leave mention for in the journal entry was the pinultimate crux of the idea I actually have to broaden my study of the trans-queer art of drag. I shouldn't share the idea now, for fear that someone might steal it, but I highly doubt that my readership is of such high numbers that I could risk losing out on the originality of an idea to intellectual property theft or mishandlings.

So, I'll venture forth with the crux of the idea here in the closing of this blog entry. What I envision as a graduate or post-graduate work of study and scholarly writing is the publication of a combo piece of academic and how-to literature. I envision publishing an outrageous, cartoon-illustrated how-to book with in depth instructions on the study of DRAG PERFORMANCE that incorporates academic writing in a covert, obtuse but very accessible way about the History & Aesthetic Developments of Contemporary Drag and Drag Performance throughout the ages.

There would be discussions on Greek Comedy (like Lysistrata), DRAG in Gothic Passion Plays, Elizabethan Drag Performance, performance of the costumed lovers' tryst in 17th & 18th century French Comedy of Manners & Comédie Bourgeoise, to discussion on the pre-war art of female impersonation and the carnival-esque in Britain, France & Germany.

There will also be discussions on post-war French surrealist & dada theatre (such as Apollinaire's Les Mamelles de Tirésias), to writing on pre- & post-Stonewall modern drag performance and eventually on contemporary experimental avant-garde drag performance in film and theatre (such as Priscilla, Queen of the Desert; To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar; Hedwig & the Angry Inch; La Mala Educazione, as well as other lesser known cult film classics), and discussion on contemporary regional drag traditions across the country and across the globe (such as San Francisco's very own local cult phenomenon: Trannyshack!! hosted by the infamous and celebrated icon, HEKLINA—as seen in the first video embedded into my journal entry).

The book would be accessible to all queer and queer-friendly audiences and would particularly be used as the major academic learning text for the Conservatory of Drag Performance that I have envisionned opening in San Francisco or Los Angeles or in New York City. The book could have accompanying texts, such as exercise books for character studies, and could include a CD or DVD compilation of recorded audio or video drag performances and DIVA pop!! for the musical drag repertoire: a comparative musicological study on the various genres particularly fitting for various traditions of drag performance around the globe, and throughout history.

See, I have high hopes, and I am here, right now, laying claim to this very unique idea!! I haven't heard anyone ever discuss such an idea as plausible and feasible, but I believe that it especially is so. It's something that could really spark a burning ember of passion amongst the queer and queer-friendly communities for the art of drag, in essence, refining the public's tastes on the art of drag performance and improving the art itself, at the same time. This is what I envision!!

What do you think of the idea? Don't steal it from me! This idea has given me something to live for beyond my disfigurement!! I want so badly to make it happen, to realize this dream of mine, and ... IT IS POSSIBLE!! I just have to hope and pray that some seasonned, professional DRAG QUEEN doesn't come along and accomplish all that I have described before I get a chance to get around to start pursuing it as a plausible, real idea myself. That's my matter of worry! That's the only obstacle standing in my way!!

I should copyright this!! In fact, from here on out...ALL OF MY BLOGS ARE COPYRIGHTED BY QHEREKIDSF | MATTHEW BLANCHARD, ©2008-2009!! I hereby lay claim to my own ideas!! Let this be record of one of my particularly major, significant proprietary ideas: intellectual property!! What do you think? Are you gonna plan on stealing the idea from me?? Gosh, I hope not! What else would I have to live for?? That's all for now! Peace Out! Cheers! Ciao! And Namaste...

Copyright ©2009
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew Blanchard
San Francisco, CA 94109-7821
[MDB2009.06.16@12:31PST]

Facebook™ Follow-Up to S. Tierney :

When I wrote my good friend & mentor, Steven Tierney, Ed.D, CAS a letter on May 30, 2009, I intended to give it to him in person at our weekly MEDITATION & RECOVERY Session at the Zen Center San Francisco, but there was a sudden change of plans last Monday afternoon, and the friend who was supposed to accompany me to the meeting could not attend all of sudden, so I just didn't go and held on to the letter, thinking that I would mail it by post.

I even changed envelopes from one that was fully decorated just with Steven's name dancing in stars, to another envelope that was similarly decorated but included his mailing address on it. Alas, it is Sunday, a week later, and the letter has just sat on my desk gather dust.

So, in hopes that I might see Steven tomorrow night at MEDITATION & RECOVERY at the Zen Center, I decided to send him a link to my blog posting which included a transcription of my letter to him with introduction & conclusion. The following is the text from the Facebook™ Message I sent to Steven to introduce him to my blog and to have him read my letter in time to talk about before the Recovery Meeting tomorrow night:

Good Morning Steven,

It's been so long since I've talked to you that I just don't know how to begin. I wrote everything I was thinking that I wanted to say to you in a ten page hand-written single-spaced letter, which I in turn transcribed with an introduction and a conclusion as a blog entry. I wrote the letter on the evening of May 30, 2009; so, it's been a week since I sealed the envelope.

I was planning on giving you the letter in person when I saw you (if I saw you!) at MEDITATION & RECOVERY at the Zen Center last Monday, but the friend from NEW LEAF HIV+ RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUP that was supposed to go with me reneged and the plans for attending the Meditation fell through. So, I've been stuck with your letter, not knowing if I should put it in the mail (YOU COULD BE IN AFRICA, FOR ALL I KNOW!!) :-) or just wait until tomorrow when plans are rescheduled so that I can finally once again attend MEDITATION & RECOVERY with a recovering addict friend of mine who, like I said, I met at NEW LEAF SERVICES.

So, it being Sunday (which means no mail pick up or delivery!), I figured I could just preemptively send you a link to my blog entry which has the letter copied verbatim (along with other important contemplations & elaborations) so that you could read what I wrote to you on the screen & not on paper. I do however intend still to bring the hand-written letter to the Zen Center tomorrow night, if everything works out with my friend this time. So, you'll have my cute little doodles in the header of the loose leaf to gawk & stare at in amazement of my cute little creative neuroses.

Plus, I spent a lot of time writing that damn letter and making it look pretty, so be sure that I want you to have the final hard copy for posterity's sake, as a souvenir (if you keep mementos of this sort laying around your home!).

The gist of the letter is that I MISS YOU!! Even though, I don't think that's ever explicitly written in the text. And, while there has been this gulf growing ever wider between us, I have been working very hard to try to recalibrate my priorities for recovery & sobriety. All of this is in hopes that you might be able to see in me some promise, some drive, some commitment, some plans; so that you can feel comfortable enough to reintegrate yourself back into my life to a point where I in no way am the cause of any strife or negativity.

I'd like things to go back to the way they were, when we would hang out every week and go to the movies, but now that my recovery is a burning, pressing priority, we can't go back to these old ways of just nonchalantly ignoring the truth of my weak and feeble existence. I would like to see you regularly still however, even if that means only at MEDITATION & RECOVERY at the Zen Center San Francisco on Monday Nights. It still would be nice to be able to meet you at the teahouse ahead of time for some nice supportive conversation and a checking in.

I could really benefit from having your stalwart, sensitive, savvy support in my life every week, to keep me as "on track" as I have been these past few weeks since I started attending RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUPS at NEW LEAF. Finally, I was assigned a psychologist (a therapist, MFT!), and we have worked very intensively each week now for four weeks at mapping out my clean time and analyzing my triggers and cravings and hangups and give-ins.

Like I say in the letter/blog: "I AM MAKING PROGRESS!" And, I want you to share in that forward momentum. At the end of the letter, on the very last page, written in all capitals, I go on a small tirade about how and why I need you in my life, and I make a rather important, seemingly superhuman request of you.

Please, take the question seriously! Don't blow it off as just more evidence of my youthful naivety & zeal. I mean what I say...what I ask! My need for you in my life is definitely that profound! Take some time to think about the question, to interpret it in your own way, to understand what it is I am asking of you, and then please, give me your answer & comments.

You could either write down your thoughts in a return letter, or we could meet at the teahouse tomorrow night at about 6:15/30P.M. to talk one on one about the contents of my letter. If my friend from MEW LEAF comes with me tomorrow, then that would also give you two a nice opportunity to be introduced. He's a good guy! He's already invited me to three different CMA/NA Recovery Meetings during the week and on the weekend, so I am returning the favor and dragging him along to my old time favorite RECOVERY MEETING: MEDITATION & RECOVERY!!

I told him already how incredible of an experience it is. I think he'll be truly delighted and inspired by attending. Maybe we might even be able to make a regular thing out of it, he and I!? We'll see! In the meantime, I'm focusing my energies & attention on winning you back into my graces & into my good confidence, as a confidante.

That's all there really is for me to say right now. I've probably gone a little bit overboard anyway, but it's been so long since I've seen you or talked to you; I didn't want to leave anything unsaid.

The link to my blog entry with your letter transcribed with intro. & conclusion is at the bottom of this message. The blog entry is entitled, "Forward: In The Direction of My Dreams!" — a line taken directly from the last page tirade and superhuman request of you. See, that's how I feel I have begun to move: FORWARD!! And my dreams are no longer bleak and unwelcoming. They are filled with visions and feelings of constant, sustainable sobriety and success with my long term, committed recovery.

I want to share my dreams with you once again. I want you to carry me along the way when I am too week to stand and move forward on my own. "Who says a friend or brethren can't be your Higher Power?" I believe in friendship! I have faith in friendship, our friendship! May it truly bless us both with good tidings and benevolence. Namaste, dear friend!! Peace Out! Ciao! Cheers! TTYS! And see you tomorrow night (IF YOU AREN"T IN AFRICA!!)...

Who knows, maybe it will be my lucky day and be your night to lead the group with a discussion on your own personal Buddhist philosophy around Recovery. I look forward to hearing your perspective and to taking copious notes to learn by.

You're the greatest man I know! No lie! But, I don't know many men, so consider yourself "not so special," if you care to... Hehehehe. OK! I'm outtie! A DOMANI, MIO AMICO BELLISSIMO E FORTE!! Ciao again. Bye for now! Thanks for sitting though all of this dribble drabble and for listening to my every word.

Your attention and consideration means a lot to me! A whole hell of a lot!! May you be blessed with serenity of mind and wholeness of body! I hope your health is good! Mine is so so. We can talk about that another time. Ta Ta for now!

Most ever so sincerely,
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard

San Francisco, CA 94109-7821
[MDB2009.06.07@08:04PST]

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IF ONE ADVANCES CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS DREAMS,
AND ENDEAVORS TO LIVE THE LIFE HE HAS IMAGINED,HE WILL MEET , c
WITH A SUCCESS UNEXPECTED IN COMMON HOURS.
— Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)ng

I believe that this email if not succintly then exhaustively describes my intentions with the letter to Steven. I'm not sure if I will see him tomorrow night at MEDITATION & RECOVERY at the Zen Center San Francisco, because as I've previously alluded to: HE COULD BE IN AFRICA!

Yes, Dr. Steven Tierney often makes trips to Zambia, Africa to do HIV/AIDS Advocacy related work with the tribes people in the rural country, work that he has been doing on an off ever since he was Director of HIV Prevention for the SFDPH AIDS Office back when I was a member of the HPPC (see previous posts!) in 2003-2005.

So, Steven could be trapzing around Zambian villages working with the HIV+ countrymen & women & children there. He might not be at MEDITATION & RECOVERY, though I hope that if he is it is indeed his time to facilitate the Buddhist teaching discussion, 'cause I've yet to hear him speak about his spirituality to a group in public. I look forward dearly to watching him and to participating in the monitored discussion afterwards.

I think that he would welcome me interjecting my own thoughts at the end of his speech, like many other recovering addicts & alcoholics do at meetings of this sort. We'll just have to wait and see. I at least hope that Steven appreciates receiving the blog link in this email. For reference to the blog entry in mention, see the second previous entry: "Forward: In the Direction of My Dreams!"

[MDB2009.06.07@13:00PST]