I have been "reluctant to reconnect" with this community of my peers for reasons that are explained in the blog posting; mainly, because I feel that I have little to show for my life's accomplishments since graduating from what once was the "Number One Small Public University" in the Nation, according to the U.S. News & World Report's College/University rankings.
Especially, now, during this period of immense struggle in my life, I feel rather ashamed of my failures & shortcomings, but I still hope that my connection with a cyber-community of my alumni classmates will prove fruitful in fostering new friendships & effective professional & social networking. We'll see...
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New Beginnings & New Connections
Interruptions & awakening seem to happen in alternating patterns in life, as in the hills & valleys of tepidity, turmoil & bliss that syncopate periods of mind's poverty & prosperity. Frankly, though, for a "Fagged-out, Funambulist Freak Show" like me, there are ofttimes solely treacherous, lamentable lows in life, like the recent raucous tragedy that I've lived though.
Sadly, those who think themselves forever forsaken oft have faithlessly forgotten the opportunity for restitution & rewards born of rest-stops, recovery & re-examination of rationale & reason's whys & wherefores.
Presently, I am poised in such painful perplexity, trying to salvage a sense of salvation after sufferance severe. Here so, I plan to push off from a point of calamitous misfortune with my mind bent on building & bolstering a connection to the more beautiful occupations of my past, wherein I once triumphed & found peace. Such is to begin again, but better! So, I blog a bit & begin to build... [MB12.14.2008]
Reluctant to Reconnect...
Here I am at the onset of an ostensibly rewarding journey through the complex, entangling worldwide web of social networking, ready to re-establish some sort of worthwhile connection with the College of William & Mary : my classmates, my community. Thus begins a new endeavor to retrace my roots & reconnect with friends & colleagues form my time as a student at William & Mary.
I was a little reluctant to initiate this cyber-experiment on wmalumni.com, fearing abrupt, insensitive rejection and negative reprisal from new people or old acquaintances that I might meet in this particular social networking space, because of my harrowing, tragic situation. You see, I regret the myriad of impulsive, carnally-driven, daunting (though determined) choices I have made in life ever since my final year at William & Mary—choices that have led to nothing much of great merit or worth. Life has been a nightmare never-ending for me. And, as if to shirk & stumble over the serendipitous calamity of my situation, I am here trying to make the best of things. What better way to work my way toward wisdom than by sharing honestly of my reluctance & my shame.
Yes, life has been ridiculously rotten & difficult for me. I came to San Francisco, CA at the abrupt end of my college education in hopes of finding safety, sanctity, solemnity, sanity and (sure as hell!) good health. But I have little to show for myself academically, professionally & socially.
I have not yet had the courage, poise or opportunity to continue my education in directions that would be meaningful & challenging to me. I am unemployed and am living on the measly sum of Social Security Disability Insurance and SSI benefits, as I have been so living since early 2007, when my health began to deteriorate for a second time. I have few friends that I can depend on for turn, unburdened sympathy & support. I am a head-spun, home-bodied homo, who bides his time by sleeping the days away & rarely venturing out into the World. I would be an absolute recluse, if it weren't for the company of & some compassionate support from paid personnel, like my in-home nurse, my peer advocate & my priest.
As I described in the final section of my wmalumni.com profile, I have in the last year experienced such intense tragedy & suffering that I have not been able to live fully to my potential—the sterling, elite potential for which W&M so nobly groomed me. I don't want to be ashamed of my circumstance, but I am! AS a student at the and while studying abroad in College of William & Mary and while studying abroad in Paris, France and Florence, Italy, I truly envisioned myself achieving great, triumphant things in life—championing the amazing altruism and social & political activism of my most beloved friends, mentors & heroes. But, I have failed; I have stumbled. I have suffered!
It is such a burden to look back on the major events & milestones in my life, because while much of my life has been bleak & awful, there have been brief periods of perlexingly positive, peaceful development & accomplishment. However, I can not say that I have lived my life yet to its fullest. I fear that if I had already accomplished all in that God put me on this Earth to do, then he would not have allowed me to survive my recent illness & injury. There's something still remaining in the World for me to do; of that, I am sure. Survival has convinced me that I have an immanent, pressing responsibility to pursue all possibilities for peace & perfection in life: Enlightenment, or so my Buddhist brethren would conclude. Alas, onward...
I am here; now, ready to begin again my life's adventures by first reconnecting with my amazing, accomplished, positive past-life. I am asking any classmates, colleagues & community that I might connect with here riding the wistful, whimsical cyber-waves of wmalumni.com to judge me sensitively & sympathetically and not to be afraid to confront & react upon the misery that Matthew's mind has led him to.
I am not a pariah! And, I am not perfect. I am a survivor! And if there's only one thing to say in closing, it's that my successes as a student of the College of William & Mary prove that I still have a great potential to positively affect the World. My face might be gruesomely disfigured; my life might be harsh, but my beauty, my brains, my beatitude & my betterment all still survive within.
So please, I invite all of you who may come across this listless, lousy lamentation of life ill-lived & ill-loved to connect with me & respond to my postings. Any thoughts from other more hopeful, happy souls would be worth the world to me! The reward of any remarks form other members of the worldwide William & Mary family is that they all would be very empowering, as they each have the distinct potential of promoting change & growth & learning in my life. What a remarkable reward for me—a reckless, raucous remnant of disaster, doomsday and (just damned nearly) death!!
I look beyond my shameful reluctance & forward to the moment when I may realize that I've made many a rewarding connection through these "blog-ilicious" ramblings & reason. Thank you for encouraging me with your words & interactions. I offer my best, beloved blessings to you all!! May bliss be yours! Until next time...
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AUCUNE ILLUSION N'ADOUCIT MON AMÈRE SÉRÉNITÉ!
No illusion will ever soothe my bitter serenity!
— Charles de Gaulle [Mémoires de Guerre, Le Salut (1944-1946)]
ATTACHEZ VOTRE CHAIR À UNE ÉTOILE!
Hook your flesh to a star!
— Anonymous
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