My treatment in recovery is going very well. As of today, I am 59 days clean and sober and will be celebrating a very significant milestone for recovering addicts tomorrow: my two month anniversary or 60 days of sobriety! Quite an accomplishment; seeing as how difficult it had been for me to achieve even more than two weeks of clean time before FERGUSON.
I wish I would have had the time and impetus and motivation...or wherewithal...to commit to regularly posting to my blog during the last two months, but I have been so engulfed in the constant processing of my "program" and so determined to stay focused on recovery, in order to make it work this time for good, that I have found myself rather incapable of translating all of this process(ing) into written words. I haven't been able to journal even until recently, and that's only because it's been demanded of me that I do so at least one a week.
You see, there's two great ladies (Katie & Martha) who manage FERGUSON PLACE, as Program Director & Asst. Program Director, respectively. And, about three weeks ago, they introduced a new exercise which was intended to ignite and empower clients to focus and give thought to a certain theme for each week. We were handed spiral notebooks, fancy pens, and a blank piece of paper upon which we were to write a single word relevant to the recovery process.
Then each Wednesday night at "Client Council" (one of two mandatory meetings of all twelve residents of the house and at least two to four staff representatives), we now randomly select one of these pieces of paper with an important word on them to serve then as the theme to be considered (and to drive or inspire our actions in recovery) for the next seven days.
Yesterday, Wednesday (09/09/09), was our time to share our thoughts on last week's "Theme o'da Week," which was the ubiquitous, short, sweet and simple word, "FUN!" Unlike many of the current clients at FERGUSON, I took my consideration of this theme very seriously and finally was able to sit down and write more than a few words into my journal (which I am now posting here on my blog for all of my followers to read)...
I had anticipated great amusements in the week to follow this simple, sultry, vivacious word being drawn at random form our bowl o'themes o'da week, but BOY! were my ambitions to entertain myself during these last seven days dreadfully dashed!
Truth is...I've been very busy. So busy, in fact, that I have been regularly absent from house/program activities, which is unusual, as you (my fellow residents) should know. I've been so busy, so absent even that I failed to complete my weekly schedule in time for it to be approved by my primary counselor by our Saturday evening deadline; and, even though I've repeatedly reported a change of income to program management, I've failed both to deliver the appropriate documentation confirming this change and to pay my program fees on time.
For goodness' sake! It's 09/09/09, and I still haven't delivered a check to Katie or Martha. That's just wrong! And, it's absolutely no "FUN" to feel beholden to someone in that way, due to my own lack of drive, of initiative and due to my apparent inability to manage my time and priorities well.
See, I've been occupied with extensive day treatment programming and with even more demanding volunteer obligations to my nonprofit. I have a very full schedule each day of the week, which allows only limited time for me to break my focus away form my recovery work and my nonprofit work, in order to let myself be distracted by inadvertently exciting incidences of quote/unquote "FUN" : TYPICAL, RAMBUNCTIOUS, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FUNAMBULISM & TOMFOOLERY!!
But, I'd like to counter resolutely the seemingly persistent theme of "absence of ME, hence absence of FUN" by stating now for the record, and with determined poise & assurance, that I am at least "ENJOYING" my time here at FERGUSON and in the recovery community. In addition, I greatly enjoy the volunteer work that keeps me so busy. In general, ... all things considered! ... I'm highly satisfied with my state of affairs. So, THEN WHAT??
—Well, what it comes down to is whether or not we've imposed a definitive distinction between "FUN" as "entertainment" and "FUN" as "enjoyment." I think that were there no distinction, if enjoyment, appreciation and satisfaction of my daily responsibilities and activities does indeed define as "FUN" (quote/unquote!), then indeed I am rightfully, righteously riding the ubiquitous wave of "wonderful!"
However, if fun defines as a momentary loosening of my chin strap or ankle chain, or if it is understood as "freedom from the feigning, straining focus of the frontal lobe:" BRAIN DRAIN! and a lil'better than bad behavior; a resignation or renunciation of responsibility for the sake of saving one's self from perpetual, stubbornly sustained seriousness, then even then I have to say that "FUN" is not entirely absent from my life; although, it may not be all too apparent!
YES! I have to make a more concerted effort to entertain myself, to be a lil'wild, to stray from the straight & narrow sometimes. But, right now, today, it's the "STRAIGHT & NARROW" that keeps me safe, sane and sober!! I say, "FUN! Bring it on!" But, not at the risk of changing my pace and direction, or even reversing all the positive changes I've made in my life since entering into recovery.
Recovery can be fun, for sure! I've been witness to great amounts of joviality, conviviality, congeniality, kindness, humor and enjoyment of life, after having begun to attend regular CMA meetings with my new sponsor: Jeffrey J., a big time CMA guru, the Secretary General of the District Council of Northern California Crystal Meth Anonymous Fellowship, who knows almost everyone at every meeting I go to; which is good for me, because I get to be introduced to at least four or five new recovery compatriots at each meeting I attend with him.
And recovering addicts certainly know how to have fun, or so it seems. In fact, I believe it's just something you have to learn to do all over again in new ways that don't lead you to drugs and alcohol, once you enter recovery. Many of us are starting from miles behind everyone else in this endeavor.
Fortunately, I haven't been an addict my whole life, and I was blessed as an adolescent, teenager and young adult to have learned ways to entertain myself and enjoy my time sober; even if most of that time was devoted to school work and extracurricular activities. No wonder I have this strong propensity for devoting myself to the "process" of recovery and volunteerism; because, it's something that I enjoy, and I have fun doing it.
So, that's that! There you go! My final thoughts on FUN! The next "Theme o'da Week" is GRATITUDE, of which my sponsor believes I should have a strong understanding. In fact, when we check in by phone everyday, he always asks me what I'm grateful for that day.
So be prepared, OH MIGHTY BLOGOSPHERE!! I should have lots to say come Wednesday of next week (09/16/09) about how I have incorporated GRATITUDE into my life during this coming week. One thing I know for sure is that I am awfully grateful to be alive and to be sober and to be involved with a good cause. More on that later! Ciao for now!
Respectfully submitted,
Matt(e)o | QHereKidSF
Matthew D. Blanchard
c/o FERGUSON PLACE
BAKER PLACES, INC.
1249 Scott Street
San Francisco, CA 94115
+1 (415) 885-9306 (temp)
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TODAY, I WILL LET MYSELF HAVE SOME FUN WITH LIFE.
I WILL LOOSEN UP A BIT, KNOWING I WON'T CRACK & BREAK.
GOD, HELP ME LET GO OF MY NEED TO BE SO INHIBITED, PROPER,
AND REPRESSED. HELP ME INJECT A BIG DOSE OF LIFE INTO
MYSELF BY LETTING MYSELF BE FULLY ALIVE AND HUMAN.
— Unknown
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