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In early October 2007, I was found alone, unconscious & half-dead in my studio apartment in a pool of my own blood & urine. My face was blackened by an AIDS-related necrotizing bacterial infection. My teeth were falling out. I was rushed to the hospital where I remained in a coma for four weeks, during which time my upper mouth/jaw & half of my nose were amputated to rid my body of the incurable infection & to save my life. I awoke from the coma with a giant hole in my face & with no recollection of my near fatal experience.
Since January 30, 2008, I have begun the long, arduous, drawn-out process of multiple craniofacial reconstructions. Upon writing this entry, I have had only three operations out of what possibly could be a total of ten to twelve facial reconstructions to replace my nose & mouth. All the while, I have been experiencing quite a frightening roller coaster of emotions: repetitive depressive cycles which denigrate my psyche and bring my mind to such low depths that even suicide seems an easy remedy to this suffering.
Before my first surgery (that is: after the initial debridement & after living with a massive hole in my face for three months), I asked my surgeons most of the questions that this article recommends to ask. My doctors had only blunt, cold, clinical, inhumane answers to questions that were for me as emotional as they were life-altering. They said, "You will never look normal again." "People will stare...You will psychologically adjust." When I asked them if I'd ever be able to smile again, they responded with a long, awkward, silent pause, and then they said stoically, "You WILL be able to express happiness." As if that was any conciliation!
You see, I have public health insurance (Medicaid), and I'm a former drug addict, which, hypothetically, was the cause of my terrible infirmity in the first place. Consequently (with regards to my treatment by these "world-class," reputed plastic surgeons), I am feeling slighted & betrayed. I feel as if my doctors are treating my case with less urgency, seriousness & sophistication, because they think that I am a lost cause, a second rate citizen. As of yet, their sterling reputations as the best plastic surgeons in my state truly belie them & this reality. The have not yet even once offered me referrals to psychological or psychiatric treatment or to support groups that might be able to help me in my struggle to adjust to facial disfigurement.
The closest I have come to finding any psychological support for my experiences is through the local Alisha Anne Rush Burn Foundation. They have put me in touch with a remarkable woman: a burn victim & 28-year survivor. I am amazed & enthralled by her. She talks to me with such poise, calm, strength, confidence, stability & compassion, and that's all after she had burned over 80% of her body, lost both her hands and breasts, had to have her eyelids, her nose, her entire face reconstructed--after 23 operations over 12 years time. She is truly a "survivor!"
I gain so much perspective from our conversations, as my worries over a partial facial disfigurement seem so selfish, small & contrite compared to her experiences. I believe that I will have a lot to learn from her and from other people like her, but I worry that we may not be able to relate to one another though experience, because I am not a burn victim. I have just simply suffered from a terribly gruesome flesh-eating bacteria that killed a 1/4 of my face.
Despite this woman's courageous compassion & despite the enduring support I receive from close friends & family, I still feel very traumatized by this experience. Right now, I feel like a monster! I rarely go out in public, and never without wearing surgical masks to hide my horrifying visage from cruel, insensitive, unsuspecting bystanders. I'm in serious need of help: help coping, help adjusting, help surviving, help overcoming my shame. I write all of this as a plea for help, for assistance.
Where might I be able to find psychological support for my ongoing struggle to cope with facial disfigurement? Where might I find talented, experienced, empathetic surgeons who are compassionate & honest enough to handle my treatment with excellent, gentle care? Surgeons who are willing to operate without prejudice on the vermin of the social underbelly of a cosmopolitan city?
Is there anyone out there who can help? Please respond to this comment with advice, emotional support or reassurances! I'd appreciate any gesture of kindness, sympathy or understanding at this point. Thank you! Blessings to All.
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Here, you will find a collection of images chronicling the transformations of my new face as I have progressed through three cycles of craniofacial reconstructions and recovery, including multiple postponements.
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My first two surgeries were meant to reconstruct my mouth & upper jaw; a major skin & bone graft to give shape somewhat to an upper lip (now referred to as my "flap") followed by a slight "revision of the flap" meant to refine the contours of the upper right side of my mouth, where a portion of my real lip survives and to resolve a persistent drooling/leakage problem from the gaps in the mandible graft.
The third operation was called by the surgeons, "a first-stage nasal reconstruction forehead flap with possible skin graft from either leg or chest." This surgery left me with a large open wound and scare down the length of my forehead and with a sausage-like flap of skin connecting my forehead to the tip of my nose, where a nostril will soon be reformed. The bright, blood red open wound on my forehead eventually healed over with no drainage & without much of a scab. I keep the scars on my forehead covered by long, shaggy locks of my brown hair, cut by a friendly, philanthropic, in-home stylist.
I am patiently awaiting my fourth surgery: "a second-stage nasal reconstruction with possible skin & cartilage graft from either ear." The pain after this fourth surgery is supposed to be pretty intense. The ear is full of sensitive nerve endings. I am not looking forward to the experience. I wonder how I will be able to sleep on my side & watch TV laying down with my head propped on my hand.
But I will survive with courage, strength, patience, persistence and perseverance. This whole experience is most certainly a trial of patience & perseverance. My soul is being run through a ringer, pressed dry, wrinkled & worn out by all the awesome tensions & turpitude of my lowly existence. Pray God, may I survive!
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