I'm nervous, absolving anxieties about unfamiliar abodes. I'm rarely at a loss of words, because I ramble roughly & righteously through my babbling brook of a brain--my stream of consciousness comes hither to wither through words. At once, you might find wanton wisdom; at twice, two cents worth of meaningful soliloquy. Sometime upon a time ago -- before, sooner or after -- I will have something intelligent to say, I assure.
But for now, a bumbling blabbering of brainstorming on PHRASEOLOGY. "Gay" or "Queer?" "Recovery" or "Sobriety?" "Same-Sex Marriage" or "Marriage Equality?" "HIV" or "AIDS?" These are the teetering, tumultuous terms that trouble me from time to time. Here is a taste of me expounding:
"Queer," to me, is a more politico-culturally sensitive and meaningful term for a certain type of homosexual which leads a liberal, liberated, open, out-rageous lifestyle. "Gay" is gay (in the slang, shitty, derogatory way) overdone, oversimplified, kitsch, cliche, not so perfectly P.C.!! [I like double exclamations & alliterations. If you can't already tell, you'll notice this penchant in spurts & flashes in time told tellings tell.]
"Recovery" reeks of raucous, ridiculous, cowardly cycles of (un)disciplined restraint. Where an arbiter of addiction allows allowances and awkward deviations from a path toward an ultimate goal: "Sobriety." This second term seems more secure & structured & sanctified to me, setting the bar sky-high for addicts who must abstain and never falter. It's a challenge to stay firmly concentrated on & committed to quitting cold-turkey. No turning back. No weakness. No retrys. No end.
"Same-Sex Marriage" vs. "Marriage Equality" is a more delicate quandary or comparison. Both are grandly politicized jargon borrowed by my brethren betrayed and begotten. One term overtly over-sexualizes the concept of devoted love between a couple of men OR women (but not both at the same time). It conjures up allusions to unadulterated sexual acts, seemingly deviant to the majority of GLBT opposition. Arguably, it defeats the Cause in its repetitive pronunciation on the political scene. The other term, "Equality," more justly captures the spirit of Civil Rights, Human Rights, dignity & law. It's a safe word. A powerful word, full of recompense and retribution--invigorating, empowering, astute. Keywords "sex" & "equality" here conflict in their candor; the former freely associates marriage with intrinsic vulgarity, and the later boldly makes a definitive statement of good.
In my mind, through my experiences living through the complete bio-chemical corruption of my immune system, I have proven to myself the almost sacred truth that "virus" is far less destructive than "syndrome." When I was first diagnosed HIV-positive in early 2002, I immediately planned on leaving University in my final semester to come and start a new & more open, healthier life in Northern California. I wrote an op.ed. journal article for the school newspaper, prosaically revealing to students the reasons for my early departure. I disclosed to the entire student body of my small, conservative, public university the story of my social isolation, depression and eventual diagnosis.
But instead of easing my audience into the horrors of an epidemic, I forwent with trivialities, bypassed the less frightening of terms and slide straight for the harsh, tragic, penultimate reality of full-blown disease. I said that I had "AIDS," instead of "HIV." : a shamefully intentional mispronunciation to garner more grief & sympathy from strangers. The plan didn't necessarily back-fire, as opposed to lead to obvious ends. Everyone thought I was dying. When in reality, I'd have six to seven more years before death would come anywhere close to knocking down my door. By that time, all my old friends had forgotten me as a goner, sentimentalizing the past, fantastic memories of a once-was me: my better self--healthy, happy, disease-free. In hindsight, I realize that it was a mistake to mismanage my vocabulary for pity's sake. This is how I learned of the sharp contrasts and disjuncture between these two final terms.
Every day is a new lesson, filling the pages of life's great learned literature with teachings of conflicts, contrasts and comparisons between two remarkably dissimilar ideas that are at first glance one in the same. We must siphon through the assimilative patterns of discourse & jargon to best comprehend the exclusive meaning of particular phrases & peculiarly parceled pairs of words. This is the key to unlocking the principles of rhetoric, hypotheses and debate. This is good judgment and sound intellect. This is how human beings are mutually understood.
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